Thursday, 27 December 2018


I'm broke, but I'm ballin'
Don't know where we're goin'
We go in when we go out
I just got paid

Through the grace of God and a couple of wealthy, generous grandparents, I got what I'm going to term a "healthy" amount of money for Christmas, the result of which being I'm not going to be worrying about how to commute without once again going over my overdraft limit for at least a month.

Small things, y'know?

This morning, after paying the cheque in, I found myself standing in CeX wondering whether to buy anything from the casual porn section they have cunningly hidden around a corner, behind the display shelves and in a cupboard marked "beware of the jaguar". Nevertheless, it is indeed there: an odd collection of 'adult' items ranging from the Adventures of... series of British '70s sex comedies, instalments of the original Emmanuelle series that I've already seen, and a few things that look like hardcore, only they're rated 18 rather than R18, so probably skilfully edited.

Oh, and Flesh Gordon. They're selling that too.

A few times, I decided upon an item - taking it carefully from the shelf and reading the blurb (and, at one point, checking a "Jenna" DVD to make sure which Jenna it was) - before replacing it and continung to browse. It's a rare occurrence that I actually acquire any new porn, and yet here I was, in a place which sells it, with actual money to spend. Yet, presented with this unique opportunity, I found myself nigh on incapable of achieving such a feat.

Stop being so indecisive, ILB, I told myself. You already have an idea of what you are going to be buying. You know how much that costs and yet you still have money left. What's the harm in getting  a little porn?

Well, what indeed? I did, in fact, have an intended goal - I was going to go home and buy a ticket to Eroticon (which I have since done), and maybe even then flash my "so middle-class it physically hurts" card and place an Ocado order (although that can be fun), and then sit on the sofa and think about my life choices. I wasn't actually intending to buy porn. I'd come in to look for a SNES mini, truth be told, and not finding anything in any other section, this was just where I'd ended up.

I was on the verge of making a concrete decision, and actually had a DVD in my hand, when I hit upon the actual reason why I had found it so difficult: I didn't really want any of this porn. Some of it I'd already seen; a lot of it seemed to not be my style; I don't trust erotic Italian cinema and haven't since I bought Scent of Passion a few years ago; some of the titles just seemed to be plain scary. What I wanted, I reasoned, was the sort of glossy smut I favour - perhaps the sort of thing I'm meant to be buying from overseas.

Perhaps the sort of thing I'm meant to be buying from overseas.

Thing I'm meant to be buying from overseas.

Meant to be buying from overseas.

Buying from overseas.


My brain floated at top speed down the back streets that are the quickest route to my flat, and from there to my desk, where there lay a pre-addressed envelope, note of greeting and blank cheque, having been there in said combination since early October and yet still unsent, due to not having the right amount of money... until now.

It took the rest of my body a while to catch up, but by the time it had, I was already on the bus.

Now to wait quietly for the weeks until my porn arrives...

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