Thursday, 23 August 2018

Universal Declaration of ILB

I have come to the following conclusion:

Whereas it is incredibly pleasant to have your beloved girlfriend tell you that, during yesterday's afternoon nap, she had a graphic sex dream about you, in which you were balls-deep...

Whereas it is less pleasant to have a sex dream yourself the following night during which your beloved girlfriend was enjoying sexual congress with another, incredibly specific, friend in the bed next to you, to the point of using her name and calling her "an incredible fancy"...

Whereas it is increasingly pleasant to suddenly take part in the dream via entering into a passionate and wanton kiss with one of them, albeit blindfolded so you can't tell which one...

Whereas it is confusing and unsettling when your beloved girlfriend wakes you up to tell you she is going to work, thus curtailing the dream so you will never know how it ends...

Whereas it is frankly baffling to have perhaps your biggest erection of the past few months present for the next hour or so as you attempt to catch up on the sleep you are so sorely lacking, especially considering your troubled dreamscape...

It appears necessary to deal with your lustful thoughts and erect penis by channeling your morning energy into a long, protracted masturbation session, in your computer chair and in front of some of your favourite porn...

And now, therefore, I present the following conclusion: mornings off are a Good Thing.

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