Thursday, 2 August 2018


I think it's no real secret that sex dreams are odd. I mean, sometimes they're good, sometimes bad, sometimes they get you off... but that doesn't mean they aren't odd. They are, so it's said, quite a healthy thing to happen - shows that your important bits are working and are a symptom of your brain expressing sexual desire in a way unlikely to cause stress or harm.

I'm not going to be so presumptuous as to assume anyone's ever had a sex dream about me. That's not a question I'm going to ask.

Anyway, I had a dream last night in which I almost had sex, and would have done if my dad hadn't walked in.

It's not the first time my dad has interrupted my dreams. There's a memorable time when I was enjoying an incredibly long dream in which I found out I was Jesus (don't ask), and was enjoying a pint in a pub with a talking crocodile (because of course) when my dad appeared and told me it was time to wake up. As it turned out, he was in my bedroom telling me it was time to wake up. I probably shouldn't have told my RS teacher that I dreamed I was Jesus. I got sick of people bowing to me that day.

[NB. This wasn't the first time I'd dreamed about being Jesus. The first time I had such a dream, I was 8. I used my Jesus powers to transform myself into a purple dinosaur. Neither dream was particularly realistic, although now I know what God looks like.]

The problem is that this isn't the first interrupted sex dream I've had. In the past couple of weeks, I've had a few. They don't all feature my dad - thankfully - but there have been lots of dreams in which I've been almost having sex. Almost. Just not quite getting there, or even been about to do so when I'm interrupted - father or not.

Last night's dream had a huge build-up. A narrative, in fact - although something slightly nonsensical; it was at least easy to follow - and it was fairly clear from the midpoint exactly where it was going. I was returning to the same place day after day, each time getting closer and closer to the LARGE AMOUNTS OF SEX I was almost certain to be having. Lining up the dominos, shall we say... just ready for the push.

Until my dad walked in and interrupted me.

Why are you doing this to me, brain?

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