Tuesday, 3 April 2018

Review: QUEEN/BEE by Hot Octopuss

It's been a while since I reviewed a sex toy, let alone one by Hot Octopuss - who, as I said in the previous post, I have a complicated relationship with. I think it's a fair assumption that none of the numerous variations of the PULSE will work for me - maybe due to a combination of the size of my cock and its lack of sensitivity, or maybe it's just not my style, who knows? - but this product is different. So very different. I just had to try.

So here we have the Queen Bee, stylised as QUEEN/BEE on the box and in all the promotional
marketing. It is, essentially, a two-sided vibrator - with a smooth, firm "massage" side and the rumbly, buzzy PulsePlate on the other side (which is meant to be oscillating; it looks like it's bouncing to me, more than anything else). One can use either side on the labia, vaginal opening or clitoris, or (because it is slightly spoon-shaped) you can turn it on its side and put it elsewhere - or pinpoint the clit, if that's your thing.


Like all Hot Octopuss products, the QB certainly looks pretty. The box is well-designed enough - even though I really could do without the Union Flags, that's a little too Brexit for my liking - and the product itself is designed to look like a sex toy. It couldn't be anything else, and it's not pretending to be - it has a grey/silver colour scheme and couldn't be mistaken for much else (perhaps a microphone?). You could probably also murder someone by hitting them over the head with it, so maybe it'll end up in an edition of Cluedo? at some point.

I charged the QB for a few hours before use, and was a little too excited by the magnetic charging lead - which fits in so snugly it's impossible to misfeed; the magnets automatically align it. It takes more than three hours to charge fully, so this really is a toy that you need to put on, leave the house for a while and return hoping that you're horny enough to use it. Still, it is wireless once charged, so has the portability that other large products - like the Doxy - don't. It's still a big beast, though.



The instruction manual doesn't say much, so I made some notes while testing. The raw facts are these:

1) Six patterns of vibration, which you can cycle through by pressing one button. They are, in order:
- "Continuous" (one continuous buzz)
- "Regular beats"
- "Fast beats" (as in, shorter and quicker, not Fatboy Slim music)
- "Very fast beats"
- "Beethoven's Fifth" (buzz buzz buzz BUZZ)
- "Heartbeat" (lubb-DUPP, lubb-DUPP)

2) Five levels of intensity, controlled by a plus and minus button. Hold down either button for a couple of seconds and the QB powers off, which threw me a bit, because you can achieve the same effect by holding the power button.

3) Needs to come bundled with earplugs, because this thing is LOUD. It's one of the noisiest sex toys I've ever seen (or, more accurately, heard). The more I think about it, the more I think I - as a millennial who lives in a share house with seven other people - may not be the target audience. I even had to develop a contingency plan (it's a particularly violent toothbrush), in case any housemates heard and came to investigate.

So does it actually hold up?

Well, it certainly works, and that's something.

One thing that was evident during use was that either side of the QB provides a completely different
sensation. When trying the "massage" side, my test subject sex princess girlfriend reported that it wasn't doing much for her at all, whether pressed against her lips, vaginal opening or clitoral hood, and was only marginally effective on her clit. The opposite side, with the PulsePlate in it, produced an incredibly concentrated sensation, different on every setting and almost too much on high intensity.

After a few minutes of experimentation, we settled on holding the QB firmly against her clitoral hood, with the control end pointing upwards (so both she and I were holding it - she, the handle; I, the main head of the toy, pushing it gently forwards), the PulsePlate pressing against her clit, the unit set to "continuous" on the lowest speed (which is still, admittedly, fast). She reported back, through moans and heavy breathing, that this was one of the most intense experiences she had had with a toy, and unlike anything else.

Unfortunately, it didn't bring her to orgasm, which she achieved through use of her fingers while I pissed about with the QB making notes.

Following use, her vulva felt incredibly strange, with an odd kind of numbness across her entire lower half. She felt wobbly and uncomfortable, and found it difficult to relax afterwards. There was also a mute kind of "buzz" both through the toy and in her legs (I suppose that's where the 'bee' comes from). As I gather, it wasn't a pleasant sensation, but wasn't altogether horrible - just unique, unusual, and uncomfortable.

As the QB contains the PulsePlate, I also tested it on my penis, rubbing it up and down the shaft while erect. This was slightly tickly, and quite fun, but not an effective wanking method - although each to their own...!


The QB is a completely unique toy and something different. According to my girlfriend, it is incredibly intense to the point of being too much so on the PulsePlate side, and not enough on the "massage" side. She didn't like any of the patterns apart from "continuous", and although it turned her on, it didn't get her off.

Positive points are:
- Okay design
- Feels good in the hand
- Nice range of patterns and speeds
- Incredibly intense
- Handy murder weapon

Negative points are:
- Unnecessarily gendered name (although 'guybrator' is much, much worse)
- Possibly too intense
- Turns off when buttons are held for too long
- Loudissimo
- Doesn't tell you where to hide the body

But if you are looking for something completely unique, you like very deep, buzzy sensations in your lower half, and you don't mind feeling like you are in the middle of a nest of wasps, then the QB might be what you are looking for. It wasn't quite our cup of tea, but it does work. And if it's your thing, then you may well love it.

QUEEN/BEE by Hot Octopuss, kindly provided by the manufacturers. Find out more from their site, where you can also buy it for £99.

Many thanks to Hot Octopuss for not ripping off my head for using their graphics.

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