Saturday, 21 April 2018

Review: Pocket Pulse by Hot Octopuss

One defining characteristic of the sex toy reviews I've done in the past is the fact that I've been reviewing the toys with the specific aim of reviewing the toys - that is to say, doing so in 'test conditions'. A lot of the toys I've tested are quite bulky and the only real way to utilitise them is to lie on your back on your bed and manipulate the toy from above. This isn't how I masturbate - I tend to do so, and have always done, on my computer chair in front of the computer, with soft porn on or erotic fiction (or just using my imagination with the chair for support). 

My oversized belly and flabby thighs (and the fact that my penis is very small when flaccid) are quite restrictive to using something large, like the PULSE, while masturbating, which may be a problem. It's refreshing, then, that the Pocket Pulse is sleek and lightweight, and causes no such problems. I was quite keen to test this one, and even more so when I realised I could incorporate it into my usual masturbation routine. You know, for science.

I charged the Pocket Pulse last night. It takes a few hours - for one hour of full operation - but that's about standard, considering how powerful this thing is (and how small). No problems there (although it took me a few minutes to find where the port for the power line is, considering that everything is black!). This afternoon, I gave it a go, and I also decided - in my infinite wisdom - to follow the instructions to the letter, just to make sure I wasn't missing anything out.

The Pocket Pulse comes with a 'recommendation' - although, from what I've heard, it's more of a necessity - to slip your penis through while still flaccid. I can see why this is - it's a small toy and the hole is designed to fit smugly around your cock while erect; I don't think you could do so with this (like you can with the original PULSE). This I did. It also instructs you to use plenty of lube before doing so. I don't often use lube when I wank - I like the friction and I never really considered it - but I did this too, using a whole sachet of water-based JO before starting.

I also made sure I had my usual weapons equipped - tissues on standby, two favourite sex scenes loaded and ready to play. I even had headphones in, so I could play them on full volume and possibly drown out any sound the Pocket Pulse might have made, which may have distracted me.

I was ready.

The product. Doubles as something you hang your towels on.

The Pocket Pulse, like its bigger predecessor, is a male vibrator with the PulsePlate incorporated - providing oscillations rather than a shuddering buzz. It has a number of intensities you can set it to (the manual claims both five and nine on successive pages; judging by my test I'm going to assume five), and pleasingly for the tech geeks, this variant comes with a remote control that you can use to up or down the setting (although you have to turn it on, or off, at the source).

I started with the lowest setting, lubed up and flaccid while in the toy, porn playing and headphones on. The most difficult thing, initially, was getting hard - I usually stroke my shaft to induce erection, how am I meant to do that when most of it is inaccessible? I managed, after a couple of minutes, to engender a fairly healthy erection through careful manipulation of what there was available (and the porn helped); with a fully erect penis, there was a lot more to play with.

The remote. Sure to please fans of both Plusle and Minun.

At this point, I definitely felt like I could orgasm, but the Pocket Pulse wasn't doing much to help, so I switched things up a bit - I used the remote to cycle through the settings (deciding upon the highest), slid the toy to the tip of my penis so the PulsePlate was pressing against my frenulum, and pressed my penis down against it with my thumb, while gently sliding it back and forth like I would be using my hand (although I had to do this with my left hand, since my right hand was busy holding my cock down).

Pleasant sensation though this was, it wasn't really doing much to help. It felt like a slightly warm tingle (the toy heats up while in use), and although this wasn't unpleasant (and it didn't hurt), it wasn't really doing much for me. I was enjoying myself, but I'm fairly sure this was more due to the strokes of my hand than anything the Pocket Pulse was doing; if I'd removed the toy and just done the same motions with my hand on my foreskin, then it would have been very similar.

Frustratingly, as well, I wasn't getting to orgasm - I was very nearly there, and was on the edge a couple of times. It was like there was a barrier there stopping me from that final push - very annoying!

In the end, predictably, I stopped using it and finished myself off manually. By this time, my hand was numb from holding this buzzing toy for so long, and my penis was both warm and covered with a sticky residue (presumably what's left of the lube after the heat from the Pocket Pulse evaporated it). But I came fairly quickly after that.

So how do I rate this? It's most certainly not a bad product, and I most definitely preferred it over the original PULSE. It didn't make me come, but then that's not really a surprise, is it? If I weigh up the pros and cons, it may help:

The Good:
- Sleek, slender and lightweight design, so can be used while sitting
- Nice little remote for you to fiddle with
- Good box design; good-looking product; makes no pretentions
- Feels good in the hand; feels good on the penis
- Easy to manipulate

The Bad:
- Range of oscillations doesn't really do much for me
- Still quite loud, although quieter than the QUEEN/BEE
- Heats up while in use, drying lube quickly leaving a sticky residue
- Makes your hand go numb
- It's not hands-free, despite what the literature claims - you need to hold it in place

Oh, and I really, really, REALLY dislike the term "guybrator". It's an absolutely appalling pun, and terribly gendered. They appear to have trademarked it, as well... which is even worse!

I genuinely can't give this a totally negative review, though. The original PULSE had its issues (although I know a lot of people loved it) and this - maybe just because of its small size and more specific instructions - genuinely appears to have addressed those concerns. And it certainly looks gorgeous, but then, all of Hot Octopuss' products do.

So it may be worth a try, specifically if you liked any of the previous PULSE products and liked them, if your penis is sensitive enough to respond to the PulsePlate, or you want a small toy to carry in your hand luggage.

I can't get away from the fact that it didn't make me orgasm, though - and that I was so close was incredibly disappointing. For that, I'm sorry. I can't deny that, from my point of view, it didn't work.

 Pocket Pulse Remote by Hot Octopuss, kindly provided by the manufacturers. Find out more from their site, where you can also buy it for £69 (without the remote) or £75 (with it).

Many thanks to Hot Octopuss for not garrotting me with a spoon for using their graphics.

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