Wednesday, 18 April 2018

List of unusual places ILB has masturbated

This post is entirely Emmeline's fault, inspired solely by this post. With thanks to my dickbrain and its strange capacity for memory.

I have masturbated in some weird places. I would imagine that most of us have, and now that I think about it, a lot of the places I've masturbated have a common theme: they are available, they are private, they have been there when I have been either horny, bored, or (in all honesty) both. Skipping past the more obvious places - in my bed, in my computer chair, in the bathroom, etc. - I've ploughed through the depths of my mental Rolodex and some up with a few of the most bizarre.

01. In a tent.

Yeah, this one shouldn't really come as a surprise. What may come as a surprise is the amount of different tents I've done it in. My one-man all-weather tent (in which I've also had sex); the standard triangular orange Vango; a lightless green army tent that sleeps twelve; a bell tent; a mess tent; and a standing toilet tent, complete with removable chemical toilet. One camp, sexually confused and attracted to one particular young lady with us, I masturbated in the toilet tent about once every day for the week. It was genuinely the only place to do so.

02. In my sleeping bag.

On balance, not the best idea, especially when you consider that you may end up sharing your sleeping bag with the resulting jizz. I've done this a few times, including once on 47's bedroom floor while he was asleep, but I always stoppd short of orgasm, mostly for fear of whatever happened next.

03. In a public toilet in Bournemouth, while waiting to go and collect my girlfriend.

I think I may have written about this, but it bears repeating. I was in Bournemouth with Woodcraft. Rebecca was staying not too far away, in Ringwood, and got a train down to see me for the day. I had made place to leave the beach to go and get her, but was feeling really horny. Intentionally, I left the beach early, walked into the nearest public toilet I could find, and brought myself to orgasm in one of the cubicles while standing up.

04. In my girlfriend's bedroom.

This doesn't seem like a strange place to do so, but the situation was. I was in Oxford. The Seamstress was away for a few days at a conference, and I had nothing to do in London, so I stayed in her bedroom for two days, ostensibly working on an essay I was doing for university (with a pleasant and familiar environment, full of books to read, a desk, two pages of notes and regular cups of tea from her mum, I had a good two days, and completed the essay with relative ease). I had my cranky old laptop with me, not wanting to risk my netbook by carrying it on the Tube; I wanted to masturbate, but didn't have any porn to hand.
My imagination was shot, so I ploughed through my years-old laptop in order to find something to give me a kickstart. I found one picture, and masturbated to that. The instant I finished up, and had cleaned up, the Seamstress' mother came in to offer me another cup of tea. I had a good couple of days.

05. In a hospital.

This is quite recent, actually. Last year, I was an inpatient for a night after complaining of chest pain. Because I have a family history of heart problems (my grandad died of a heart attack), and I have a borderline ECG with slightly high ST elevation, severe chest pain almost invariably lands me in A&E. This was the first time I was admitted, just in order to keep me under observation.
I had Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows with me, so I had something to read; I also asked for a sandwich, because I was feeling hungry. Fortunately for my libido, they had also put me in a private room. I adjusted my bed, lay back with the door closed, and made myself forget all about being in pain.

06. Various toilets in non-public facilities.

Including, but not limited to: a bandroom, while the rest of the band were having their coffee break and only just managing to return to my station before we started playing again; my church after the service, while my grandparents (who usually drive me home) were serving coffee; my cousin's bedroom, while we were housesitting for them and I had my netbook precariously positioned on her bedside table; everywhere I've ever worked (with one exception: one of the places I work now); the showers at the local leisure centre; in a youth hostel; the Adelphi Building at Salford University; Pizza Hut; another Pizza Hut. Possibly also in Chiquito - I forget.

07. In my university's union bar.

I'd only really been at university for about eight hours. Lectures weren't due to start until the following week. The corridor in student hall I was staying in was yet to be full. I had no idea what freshers' week was, thinking it had something do to with sex. I was confused by the tiny size of the room I'd been given and was trying my best to prioritise the space.
In the evening there was a free club night in the union bar. I walked down there, following the steady stream of fellow first-years who were in various states of inebriation. I didn't pull, but of course I was never going to, I was never confident or attractive enough. However, I also realised halfway through the thudding, sweaty mess that I hadn't yet had a wank while being there. I'd only really started doing so about a year or so beforehand, and was looking forward to wanking without having to listen for footsteps... so I ducked into the bathroom and had my first orgasm of living independently while listening to drunk people throw up.

08. In the lounge at my parents' house, absent-mindedly, while drinking tea with my girlfriend and watching 8 out of 10 Cats does Countdown on More 4.

I didn't come.

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