You find me writing this post on what is, essentially, the high-wire between the Twin Towers. I'm unsteady, nervous, and at any point, I may drop off. It's a laboured analogy, sure, but it's pretty accurate.
Yesterday morning the internet in our house cut out. It's not the first time it's happened, but I reset the router (which is in my room by virtue of the fact that the only live telephone port is in this room) and waited for a connection. There wasn't one. I tried again. Nothing. Eventually, by some frontend stuff, I managed to establish a local connection to the wireless network, but without a route from there to a more global connection, I couldn't access the internet. I was stuck.
It's amazing how isolated this makes you feel. I genuinely don't use the internet for much. I blog, I tweet, I use IRC and I check my e-mails. That's about it - I'm not a social media fiend, although I do have a Facebook account (but I rarely use it); I don't game online because I'm more of a console gamer; my PC is too old to support most games from Steam and won't run Silverlight so I can't use Netflix; I don't even stream porn because most of my favourite porn is stored on my external HD, on my Discs of Wonder™ or on actual DVDs. The website I visit most frequently is probably Wikipedia - and after that it's probably my own blog.
Despite all this, it still felt like someone cut my arms off.
I have a data plan on my 'phone, but my 'phone isn't very powerful. It runs a fairly competent Twitter app, which is all I really need, but I couldn't check my e-mails on it. My tablet runs off the Wi-Fi in the house, so obviously it wasn't getting anywhere, and delighting in reminding me of that fact with accompanying noises and flashy lights. Even my 3DS was teasing me with its lack of access, which is very unfair, since all I wanted to do was play Donkey Kong Land 2 on the Virtual Console.
Eventually I caved and called our ISP.
Almos an hour later, with every other option exhausted and still no solid broadband light on our router, I decided to give it a night to rest, fed back to all my housemates and then went to see Blockers at the cinema. There wasn't any internet when I got back, and today I got a call back from my ISP advising me to unscrew the port and line a DSL cable directly into the wall, which I did. Still nothing. I'm beginning to suspect the landlord just didn't pay the BT bill, or something equally arbitrary.
So I'm currently accessing the internet via BT wi-fi with FON, which is sonething I haven't used for two years. I last used it in 2006 to circumvent a firewall, and I still had two day passes, one of which I have now activated. I suddenly felt wonderfully free again, and was able to check my e-mails (nothing new), enter the McDonald's Monopoly competition (no prizes), and open Twitter (nothing to say). I resisted opening Wikipedia, although I probably will later, and I even considered picking up a few projects I let fall by the wayside in the weeks of illness since 'con (from which I have now recovered - I'm back to singing, I'm pleased to report).
But mostly, it was just "...now what do I do?"
And here I am. There will be more posts coming your way - sex stories, Soft Porn Sundays, maybe even a review or two, and many, many more of my disastrous attempts at humour. But, for now, they are all coming courtesy of my local library, Wi-FI hotspots, and temporary passes I bought years ago in order to download porn.
As you were.