Sunday, 11 February 2018

Soft Porn Sunday: Flower Edwards & Eric Stratton

It is said that, if you are awake at midnight on a certain day in mid-winter, you can concentrate all your efforts into hearing the cries. Follow their melodic tones into the wilds, and when you are at a safe distance from civilisation, you may see her. Perhaps just a glimpse at first, but be patient. Sit and wait, and eventually, she will appear to you. Not of this plane, but not entirely of the next, Flower Edwards lies alone and friendless, and only intense concentration and meditation on your part can draw her to you from the netherspace in which she resides.

Which is my excuse for having not mentioned Flower Edwards before. Not that it's immediately obvious who she is - she is often simply credited as "Flower", which could mean that she plays a random begonia in the background or something, or maybe a lupin in Robin's grove in Virgins of Sherwood Forest. Maybe she's a red rose that magically appears whenever Emmanuelle and Haffron make love, or something. As it turns out, her name isn't even really "Flower". Her name is Miyoko Fujimori: she's Asian-American and from Los Angeles, as opposed to Mexican as Fast Lane to Vegas would have you believe.

It's a stretch, I know.

So how do you solve a problem like Flower Edwards? What do you do with her if it's not going to be racist like making her a Japanese sex kitten or a Mexican seƱorita just because she looks slightly exotic?

Simple. Make her an alien - problem solved.

Appearance: Andromina - The Pleasure Planet (1999)
Characters: Alexa & Cody

Okay, so Alexa, play Smoke on the Water, is the character played by Flower Edwards in Andromina. Unlike some of the other female characters in Andromina, she doesn't get much to do, and for a while, I thought she would be a sexless character. She does get to rub herself a bit while watching Jeeter and Roxie having sex, but in amongst all the fairly constant banging, there isn't much for Alexa, re-order cat food, to do. It seems, initially, that the job of Alexa, turn the Christmas lights off, is to represent the "technologically advanced" subsection of her planet's all-female society, and in doing so, effectively corral all the male leads (and the female hangers-on they have managed to explicitly pick up through their gormless lack of sex appeal) into the prison she handily runs.

Yes, she runs a prison; not that it matters too much, because everyone beams out of it to return to Andromina anyway. Before this, however, a loose plot thread needs to be tied up: Cody. The "third man" of the impromptu Scouting for Girls party genuinely doesn't do much on arrival - as opposed to the other two, who immediately have sex with the first women they meet, Cody runs straight into Alexa, tell me a joke, who zaps him with a... zappy... thing... and then takes him to her prison, where he spends the rest of the movie strapped to her ULTRA HIGH-TECH TOP-SECURITY IMPRISONMENT SYSTEM (which is basically some braces attached to a wall).

Some people actually got paid for writing this.

Alexa, what's the weather like outside?, and Cody have sex towards the end because who cares, we have ten minutes left and Flower Edwards is contracted for one more day of filming, so fuck it, let's have some more banging.

That's a very odd sideburn, innit?
The set-up for this, if you could call it that, is that Alexa, search for cinema times, is "curious". She kisses Cody once earlier on, and if either Flower or Stratton could act, there might have been a spark there somewhere. Here, she kisses him again, and there clearly is a spark, because she starts taking her clothes off. Yes, seriously - that's all it is. There's even a two-second silence before the music starts, as if the orchestra wasn't expecting this at all, and had a rush to get all their instruments ready.

The first minute basically consists of disrobing, with occasional moments of random licking (seriously), curiously long shots of what is probably meant to be sexy dancing but is basically Flower's bum as she bobs up and down on the spot, and occasional breast, bush, or back shots to remind us that this is a sex scene. Flower gets lots to do, and I suppose Stratton probably does too, but I've just watched this scene twice and I can't recall his face. I don't suppose that's a good sign.

Flower, by the way, is beautiful. She has lovely facial features, a radiant smile, a natural body, nicely
Mmmmmm...
proportioned breasts, and a tan-line which shouldn't be there because Alexa, find my car keys, is never shown to wear a bikini. She's also proving, during the first minute and a half, to be fairly flexible, as we find her in all sorts of odd positions while she gets licked by Cody.


One minute and thirty-four seconds in is the only bit of the scene that has ever made me orgasm (although it's managed that, so...). This is The Sex Bit and it actually utilises the ULTRA HIGH-TECH TOP-SECURITY IMPRISONMENT SYSTEM as a prop, which makes sense, since it's the only prop they have (and in fact the only bit of scenery; the rest is complete darkness). Alexa, search for nursing homes, has suddenly realised how to have sex, and is doing so up against the wall while holding onto handles of the ULTRA HIGH-TECH TOP-SECURITY IMPRISONMENT SYSTEM for support (I like this, it's a nice bit of design). She's facing Cody, who is bopping back and forth (and we can't see his face, which helps).

Alexa: "YMCA..."
AND SHE IS STILL WEARING HER BOOTS. I love that trope. Never mind that, from the look of them, they'd take about nine years to remove - whatever the reason, she hasn't taken her boots off. She's so desperate to have sex that she's still got her shoes on. That's so incredibly sexy - I love it!

The rest is really boring, though, so there's that.

Most sex scenes start with kissing, then teasing, disrobing, foreplay and sex, in that order. This one dispenses a few seconds of sex and then insta-fades into effectively a montage of Stuff, which is mostly Flower being strapped to the ULTRA HIGH-TECH TOP-SECURITY IMPRISONMENT SYSTEM and getting touched in odd places - kissed up her thigh, licked between her breasts and generally molested (there are even some shots where you can very clearly see Flower's vulva, which is slightly incongruous for softcore), entirely in semi-darkness, and while her body is great, there's nothing particularly interesting there. She is even strapped to what is effectively a St Andrew's cross and flipped over so that Stratton can do exactly the same thing to her, but she's upside down.

Hmmm, St Andrew's cross in a St Peter's cross style. I wonder if they're implying something.

VULVA wheeee im sharin dirty pics im a pr0nographer!!!1

I mean, I'd like to enjoy this. I'd like to be able to say that it's racy BD/SM or that it's an interesting reversal, insofar as the dominant, authoritarian figure is discovering her submissive side and being ironically taken advantage of (albeit consensually) via her own ULTRA HIGH-TECH TOP-SECURITY IMPRISONMENT SYSTEM. I can't say that, however, because it's really boring, and by the time he rotates her back up and goes in for another sloppy kiss (at which point her hands are mysteriously free), I've just stopped being interested.

Oh heck dang, look, a softcore blowjob. Yawn. And he's doing stuff to her hair. Snore. And now I suppose they're having sex. Humph WAIT A SECOND WHAT THE FUCK?

Four minutes and fifteen seconds into this snooze-fest and they've reactivated the sex button. Unlike
She certainly has the X Factor.
the earlier bit, however, this sex is hardly believable, or exciting. Alexa, wake me up in ten minutes, is clearly meant to be enjoying sex from behind (because Cody is behind her), and she's certainly writhing a bit while he touches various bits, but there's actually not much else to it. Flower smiles a lot and we get to see her boobs for the rest of the scene, but I'm finding it hard to get turned on by this when sex was depicted to well at the start of the scene. It's completely anti-climactic, and for a film that does standing doggy-style sex so well earlier on, that's a little bit sad.


In fact, it's very sad. I really like Andromina: The Pleasure Planet, despite its slightly ethically questionable plot. I know nothing about Eric Stratton - I don't recognise him, really - but I really do like Flower Edwards; she doesn't get to do much in a lot of things I've seen her in, but she is pretty and she can act a bit, so it's nice to see her get a whole scene like this. It's just a shame that it is this scene - the one let-down in a film with no less than six other sex scenes, which are all better than this one. The fact that it's the final scene also doesn't help. At all.

I also think she's meant to be an alien. Hang on, I'll check. Alexa, identify your own species.

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