Sunday, 3 September 2017

Soft Porn Sunday: Krista Allen & Paul Michael Robinson

From the time around 12 or 13 (I don't recall exactly) when I started watching soft porn, up until the present day, it has mostly made me cry through my penis. I say "mostly" for the simple reason that it's not the only way soft porn has made me cry.

Appearance: Emmanuelle In Space 2: A World of Desire (1994)
Characters: Emmanuelle & Haffron

Whole lotta kissin' going on.
For all its reputation, the Emmanuelle in Space series does take a while to get going with the Emmanuelle/Haffron sex (that should have a ship name - Emafron. I ship it.). Sure, they have sex in the first film, but only once (well, twice, but the second time, Emmanuelle's in disguise); in the second film, they have sex twice (but during the first one, Haffron's in disguise). Haffron's barely in the third one, so it's not until the fourth - Concealed Fantasy - when the fairly continuous banging starts to happen.

Anyway, this one happens somewhere in Random European Country #216, after a fairly random plot involving horses, artists, a French maid (with an American accent) and a Romany chief with whom Emmanuelle has sex. Some more random shit happens; Emmanuelle then returns to have more sex with the chief, only it's not actually him, it's actually Haffron, because LULZ!

And so we get the second sex scene in the entire series where Emmanuelle and Haffron have sex when they're both:

a) aware of each other
b) played by their respective actors

Took your time, didn't you, ASP?

This is one of those odd beasts that rears its head from time to time: a romantic sex scene. Whereas it's relatively difficult to convey romance through sex in film, one can kind of tell a scene is meant to be romantic from a number of things, and they're all present in this scene.

i) the speed of the sex

Romantic sex scenes almost always show slow, measured sex, often with repetitive movements. There can be a lot of passion, but the movement comes from the bodies themselves, not how hard they're thrusting. Yes, this scene does have slow sex, but I actually quite like the way it's done here - it also doesn't mean that it's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment.

ii) the proximity of the participants (to each other)

It's fake! The plant, that is.
This is a big one.

When I was a kid, and started to rate sex scenes in my head because I'm a weirdo, one of the things that I looked out for was the idea that the characters are what I called "connected" - ie. of course the actors aren't really having sex, but they're close enough together for the audience to believe that they are. This doesn't always happen in the cheesier erotic sci-fi, but in scenes like this, it's more important... for some reason.

During this entire scene, Haffron's crotch is nestled right between Emmanuelle's thighs (which she ends up wrapping around him), and there's no reason to imagine that for a second he doesn't have his firm penis buried inside her warm... excuse me, I'll be in my bunk...

iii) the lack of variation

She is beautiful, isn't she?
Something else I've noticed is that, while longer sex scenes do tend to have more than one sex position employed (so you can fill in squares on your bingo card - astride! missionary! doggie! spoons! some really weird one that probably doesn't exist!), the romantic ones tend to stick to one. In some ways, that makes sense - if the main character is going to have an orgasm, they should be able to do so as a result of their sexual partner being very very very good consistently at one thing. It's sex, not an Olympic decathlon.

This entire scene takes place on a chaise longue, with no variation from the missionary position. It works.

iv) the music

Ahhhhh, where would we be without soft porn music? Stabs of electric guitar mean the sex is hot and reckless. Swoopy synths mean it's fun. Slow strings with a piano mean, of course, that it is romantic. This'll never change.

v) be long

Loooooooooooooooong. The average sex scene is about a minute long. This one is two minutes, thirty seconds exactly!

vi) have a definable orgasm

This is the defining characteristic of this one scene in particular. There are some minor vocalisations throughout (from both), but Emmanuelle has an incredibly audible orgasm right at the end of the scene (in fact, after Haffron stops thrusting, which seems slightly incongruous to me - perhaps that's why it's so memorable...). 

Her mouth wide open in a kind of perma-smile, Krista moans loudly fifteen times in rapid succession, long after Paul kind of gives up. It's nice to know she's enjoying herself.

vi) end with a kiss

And this is the bit that made me cry.

You see, the first time I saw this (well, second; I presumably saw it when Emmanuelle in Space was first broadcast on UK TV, but I was 14 when that happened), I'd downloaded the scene and then gone off to see my girlfriend. I was missing her hugely, watching this to try and calm down a bit, and then the one tiny kiss that Haffron leaves on Emmanuelle's chest (complete with a kiss sound effect) set me off.

Do you like leg?
I ended up curled into the foetal position on my bed in floods of tears and a huge erection. Thanks a lot, ASP.

Okay, I'll admit it - sounds boring, doesn't it? Two and a half minutes of very slow missionary sex with uninspired music and a delayed orgasm? Yeah, maybe it does. There's loads of great sex in the ASP films and this is just one of a myriad of other scenes you could be seeking out. But, for the past couple of weeks, this has been my go-to scene for a quick get-off wank.

Maybe I'm a sucker for romance... or maybe, just maybe, I've been needing to have a good cry.

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