Tuesday, 22 August 2017

Review: Autoblow 2+

Daniel, Daniel, Daniel, Daniel...

There's a continuing trend in sex toys to make them look more like, well, sex toys - building some sort of awareness that you are, in fact, using a construct of silicone or TPR or TPE (whatever's your fancy) in order to masturbate. If you look at the PULSE or the REV 1000, neither are making any pretensions to replicate any part of a human being nature dictates you should put your penis into; they're just sex toys. You're aware, here, what you're using, and there's no point pretending otherwise.

Where the Autoblow 2+ fails, before you've even started to use it, is that it has gone completely the other way. The opening, into which you're supposed to put your erect cock, is a hideous, disembodied replica of a mouth - except without a philtrum, lips, teeth, tongue, or any detail. This is, essentially, a hole - like the one in the end of a Fleshlight - shaped like someone who's never heard of a mouth is having a go with a hammer and chisel and hoped for the best.

It's been haunting my dreams for months.

Okay, so, the product itself...

The Autoblow 2+ (I don't even want to consider the fact that there's been at least one more of these beforehand) is a white, cylindrical tower of doom with three spring-loaded rows of beads (which rotate) and a pumping motor (which pumps). Into this, you put a sleeve made of a soft, spongy material, all of which end in a "mouth". There are, in fact, three sizes of sleeve, catering for different girths of penis, but claim to cater for "all lengths".

This is a false claim. All the sleeves are six inches long - the box even says so - so, actually, not all lengths. Certainly not mine.

The Autoblow 2+ is mains-powered, meaning you plug it in, which would be easier if it wasn't an American plug. I had to get a socket adaptor to use this - "fortunately", that is relatively easy to obtain, if a little annoying to have as a necessity. The lead is long enough, but it does mean you have to be close to the plug to use it. "Don't worry," the box claims, "we've designed it to be safe." Uhm, I doubt you'd have got your product out at all if it wasn't safe.

But I digress.

AAAAAARGH! IT'S COMING TO GET ME!
So. This thing is a blowjob simulator. You push your penis into the "mouth" and down the sleeve, hold it in place and then turn it on. The pumping mechanism forces the sleeve up and down while the balls circle around, massaging the shaft. On the bottom of the device is a little wheel like a volume control, which you can use to control the speed (although that's the only thing you can control). The general idea is that you are simulating having a blowjob, down to the fact that if you look down and ignore the white and blue cylinder you are holding, you can see a mouth bobbing back and forth. If you ejaculate into the sleeve, you remove it, wash it with soap and water and leave it to drip dry.

I probably don't need to say that I had problems using this.

First of all, your penis doesn't go in when it's flaccid, and it won't when it's erect. The fact that the Autoblow 2+ is 33% tighter than the original doesn't appear to have taken into account the whole "getting your penis into it" aspect of sex toy usage; while fully erect, it simply would not go in - the mouth doesn't open so you need to jam it in - even with lube applied. After about five tries, I did manage to get it in, but the rigid shape and limited size didn't accommodate either the natural upward curve or 7" length of my shaft... so, as with other sex toys, it hurt.

Let's imagine your penis is short enough to have this thing fit all the way to the base of the shaft, and it's straight like a ramrod so there aren't any shape issues. The next thing you'd need would be a pair of noise-cancelling headphones, because even at the lowest setting, the Autoblow 2+ emits a consistent, high-pitched whine at a frequency designed for dogs to hear. Turn the dial up and the pump action starts, although you can barely feel it because it hardly moves much. I tried this three times, and all it did was stroke the top layer of my foreskin back and forth. My penis barely felt a thing, except pain.

At any higher setting, another noise joins the fray: a repetitive thudding, scraping noise that, for some reason, sounds like the device is saying "Daniel" over and over again. My name's not Daniel, so it's not relevant to me, but even without the Radcliffe-fangirl association, it's not just an off-putting sound: it's a dangerous one. It sounds bad, like a laboured piece of machinery - not the sort of thing you'd trust to bring you to orgasm!

Oh, and it also claims to be hands-free. Bullshit: you need to hold it in place.

So, yes, this toy is a hideous concept with a terrible design. I've had enough blowjobs to know that this isn't what one feels like. It's very difficult to get your penis in, it's uncomfortable when it is in, it barely works and it's a terrible noise and what were they thinking?!

Good Points: The box design, the mains power lead, the colour scheme.

Bad Points: The tight opening, the painful interior, the ineffective mechanism.

Worse Points: The fact that the "mouth" will keep you awake at night wondering when it's going to come and exact its terrible revenge.

Worst Points: Daniel! Daniel! Daniel! Daniel!

Autoblow 2+, available from stockists worldwide. You can also buy it for £159.95 from the hideously-designed official site.

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