Monday, 1 May 2017


It's the First of May... which is synonymous with fuckin' outside.

And it's May... Masturbation Month. One of those odd meme-like events which, every now and again, rears its head (I was going to say "comes around", but I don't want to make too many jokes...)

It's odd, really. I love the outdoors... usually. I love the idea of the outdoors; I love going to camp, I like hiking, I like to go for walks (that used to be my summer activity; plug in my iPod and go for an unreasonably long walk), and there's even a little woodland at the end of my road that I like foresting in (which leads to a park which I have yet to go jogging in... I'm gonna, though; I promise...). I mean, I was brought up a Woodcrafter. Of course I love the outdoors. In small doses.

And I love sex. For reasons that I've been expounding upon here for almost ten years. I bloody love sex. And, related, I love to masturbate. Maybe I didn't start as early as a lot of other people did (if what I heard at school were to be believed...), but even in my darkest of moments - and there have been quite a few - at least I could still masturbate. Trapped in my little room at university, stuck training for a job I hated, dumped at the beginning of 2011 and losing everything... throughout it all, my sexuality was my saving grace.

Four long-term relationships in (and a couple of others), and I've still never really tied these things together.

I've never had sex outside. I've had sex in a tent (finally...), a caravan, and a motorhome, and I've had a semi-fuck in an outdoor jacuzzi. I've heard people having sex outside, and I may have even seen it... but I've never had it. Never had full-blown, penetrative sex, completely outside.

It's becoming increasingly unlikely, as well, that I ever will. The logistics are complicated - it has to be comfortable, safe, secure and unseen, but in public and outside (and warm, so living in Britain doesn't help...), with a handy escape route if one needs to become available. Then there's the aspect of timing, execution, and the need to have a willing partner with you. Even then, this all sounds a bit planned, and it's the spontaneity aspect that I've always found so exciting.

I've long decided, after a certain amount of thought, that masturbating in a toilet tent (or any kind of tent) doesn't count either. Again, this is something I haven't done; I've masturbated while at camp, I've see it happen (even though I wasn't supposed to), and I've even heard it happen. I've ejaculated on the grass inside a toilet tent, into the water in a swimming pool (a private one), and I've even brought someone to orgasm (while in said outside jacuzzi) with the aid of my penis. But, again, I've never had a full-blown, orgasm-inducing, ejaculatory wank outside.

It's not like I have any problems wanking inside. I also have occasional snatches of time outside, and there have been some points where I've felt incredibly horny while having a walk (yes, walk) - I've just never given myself over to Onanism while outside.

But why not? Again, is is the particulars which have stopped me? Finding a time, place, suitable warmth and level of arousal? Making sure that nobody sees, taking care you don't get hurt... even having some tissue about your person, unless you have spectacularly good aim? Or maybe it's just the fact that it's not quite as fun when there's nobody else around to appreciate your masturbatory handiwork?

Or maybe it's the fact that it's just never occurred to me...?

In any case, despite all my blustering, I've come agonisingly close to both of these. Sex outdoors, and a cheeky al fresco wank. Close... but no cigar. (Not like I've ever smoked a cigar. But still.)

Having said that... it's May now. And it's getting hotter. And there's a woods at the end of the road.

[BRB, fulfilling a dream.]

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