Sunday, 23 April 2017

Soft Porn Sunday: Mia Zottoli & Bobby Johnston

No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change, but I'm here in my mould, I am here in my mould. But I'm a million different people from one day to the next. I can't change my mould, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Ahem. I'm so sorry. I've spent several years with this sex scene lurking around on my HD and every time I watch it, I am turned on, probably orgasm, and then spend the rest of the day singing goddamn Bitter Sweet Symphony. I suppose it's fortunate that I don't have my violin with me (I left it in my parents' attic), otherwise I'd be constantly playing that too. I just can't get rid of it - I need to hear some sounds that recognise the pain in me, yeah.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Appearance: Scandal - sex@students.edu (2001)
Characters: Melissa & Jon Griffith

It took me a long time to actually get around to seeing this one, and in that time, I always assumed that sex@students.edu was a "clever" way to "disguise" the title from being something more than Sex with Students, and that the e-mail address was just a clever way of being down with the kids, yo. Maybe that's the only road they've ever been down. In fact, there's very little of the perceived student/teacher sex dynamic (although that's a plot point, sure...) in this, and the main plot - stay with me here - is mostly to do with cybercrime. The fact that the female lead is a student, and the male lead her teacher, causes a bit of a scene...

...presumably the "Scandal!" of the title...

...for about five minutes; then it's promptly brushed aside in favour of a hilarious caper involving a version of the Internet from about 1985, and some stuff to do with politicians. I don't know; I wasn't paying attention. I was here in my mould.

Anyway. This scene.

Mia Zottoli - who is in this film since she's Mia Zottoli - plays the imaginatively-named Melissa, a hypersexual English Literature student ("I have a big sexual appetite... boys... girls...!") who unwisely lives with Christina (Regina Russell), a webcam girl who spends her time recording EVERYTHING EVER because that's totally what webcam girls do - including herself and Melissa having sex. She's probably just trying to make ends meet. Melissa then, even more unwisely, seduces (although he doesn't take that much persuading) her teacher Jon Griffith, and has sex with him over the back of the sofa.

Jon gets fired, then they all decide to become sex workers (!), blackmail a corrupt politician who's a slave to money then he dies, have a threesome which Christina records (!!), have some escapades, go to Hawaii for some reason, and then get Jon his job back (!!!) and everyone goes back to Hawaii, where Jason Schnuit plays the hotel porter. Through this confusing fuzz of sex and violence, melody and silence, come the usual crowd - Robert Donavan, Brad Bartram, Kim Dawson, Micah Bradshaw and "good ol' Jason Schnuit", who's a million different people from one day to the next.

Although somebody forgot to pack the clothes, so you'd better like skin if you're going to watch this.

This is the final sex scene, and it features Jon and Melissa because I'm a predictable twat.

No change.
What you can't see (or, more accurately, hear) during this scene is that, during the first half, a scarily familiar yet slightly dischordant strings section is playing the violin part from Bitter Sweet Symphony with a few wrong notes. It's played over something which would be quite sweet if Bobby Johnson wasn't so creepy - Melissa and Jon are kissing passionately in Jon's kitchen (because he's a teacher, of course he can afford these things, while she disrobes in the "wheeee, soft porn, clothes are so irrelevant, I threw it on the ground!" way. 

This is quite speedy, and at least they're using the set to their
I can't change.
advantage - putting stuff on the kitchen table, sweeping it off for no real reason but hey ho, and leaning against it when they need something to lean against. It's a nice touch for sure and there are some technically pleasing cuts, mixes and top shots which make this quite a nice piece of cinematography. If only I wasn't listening to the music so much I'd be paying slightly more attention.


Tonight I'm on my knees, yeah.
At 01:11 there's the odd choice of a 'fridge as a sex prop. Mia Zottoli is giving a soft porn blowjob (ever been down, Melissa?) while Bobby Johnston is leaning against an open 'fridge - why, but then again, why not? - and he mugs for a few seconds before the sex starts and...

WHAT THE FUCK?

Did their royalties run out at this point? Because, at this very moment (and I suppose it's deliberate, to indicate that there's meant to be penetration happening or something), the music insta-fades to be replaced by some twat hitting drums frenetically, followed by a completely different piece of music, which sounds more like a timed bonus level from a SNES game than a classic British indie rip-off. Maybe they didn't want to get sued, but whatever the reason, the airwaves are clean and there's nobody singing to me now.

Oh right, the sex. Yeah, this is hot. Jon has sex with Melissa on top of a kitchen counter, with a
Well, I never pray...
spirited performance from Mia Zottoli (who's always good value even when she's playing someone half her age) and the right amount of movement from Bobby Johnston. At least they both look like they're enjoying themselves, and they've gone for the trope of her not taking her shoes off at any point, which I've always liked 'cause I'm weird like that. We also get sex on a desk, with Melissa on her back and Jon seemingly having joined the Team USA gymnastics squad, followed by what is (I presume) the kitchen table (although you can't really see because this bit's in X-TREME CLOSE-UP!, all of which is overlaid by occasional very soft female moans, presumably provided by Melissa even though she has her mouth closed for most of this.


Glod, I notice the stupidest details.

No no, no no, no, no, no no no.
For whatever reason, I really like this scene. It's one of my favourites, actually. Because Mia Zottoli is hot, and I like the characters (and, having seen it, I quite like the plot; it's not the generic student/teacher forbidden love thing I was expecting รก la The Sex Files: Creating the Perfect Man, which is), and I really like the way this is filmed, using the set (and its accoutrements) to their full advantage. It's clever, it's sexy, it's really stupid, and it always, always gets me hard - in that place where all the veins meet, yeah?

But it wouldn't be anything like as good without the music - the strings section which plays at the start with unmistakeable verve, or the token-collecting anthem at the end. They both work, although in odd ways, and they are - genuinely - instantly recognisable in my brain, which is wired to get ready for MASSIVE MASSIVE SEX by the very presence of those few notes... which is what soft porn music should do. It should turn you on. I've been writing this entire review with noise-cancelling headphones on, shutting out the world outside my little softcore bubble, which probably tells you more about me than it does about sex@students.edu.

What can I say? I let the melody shine. It clears my mind. I feel free now.

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