Sunday, 26 March 2017

Secret Agent

2:30am. I'm up and watching something smutty on the TV. It's probably not anything particularly good; the regular soft stuff I tend to watch starts at 10. It's finished by midnight. Anything else is just killing time, really.

Then I hear the mechanical threat of the mindless Automatum.

Except it isn't the Automatum. It's Gran's electric wheelchair. She's noticed the light's on in her lounge while going to the bathroom, and is coming through to check. What's more, she's getting closer. What will she say if she discovers her only grandson sitting cross-legged in her lounge watching something he probably shouldn't? Will she tell my parents? What will they say? My usual excuse of watching music videos probably wouldn't cover being up at 2:30...

Action stations, ILB! You have a contingency plan for something like this, remember?

I snap off the TV, throw the remote onto Gran's armchair and scuttle as soundlessly as I can to the corner of the room, where there's another armchair. I struggle under said chair, curl myself up into the foetal position and lie there, on my side, trying to mask my breathing as best I can. The slightest movement could give me away.

The door opens and Gran whirrs in, bumping the skirting board as she does so. All the skirting boards have scuffs on by this point. I love my Gran.

She is confronted by a seemingly empty room. I'm in the corner, under the chair. She can't see me. I'm on tenterhooks, every nanosecond seeming to take aeons. Time comes to a standstill. I stuff a fist into my mouth, lest I make any sound.

At this point I realise that I've made a fatal error: I've left the light on. Perhaps fearful of the little click that turning it off would make, but nevertheless, it's still on. That's what alerted Gran. She'll know something's up if the light's on, and then she'll investigate further, and then she'll find me here, and she'll tell my parents, and I've been acting suspiciously so they'll know I've done something, and they'll put two and two together and and and...

...oh, she's turned the light off herself. And she's left the room and closed the door. And I can hear her whirring into her bedroom and retreating.

I'm safe! She thought someone had kept the light on by mistake, but didn't me - my plan worked! My secret is safe for another evening.

Of course, I am now shut into a completely dark room with no silent route of escape. But no matter. I've managed to remain undetected for so long already. I'm untouchable.

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