Wednesday, 8 March 2017

My God, This Porn is Freakin' Sweet

"Jon's got some Simpsons porn on his computer. Bart's really perverted."
"Simpsons porn? Is that official?"
"Of course it isn't official. There isn't any official Simpsons porn."


I slid the Bible back into place on the shelf and peeked around the rack to the small, circular table in the corner of the school library. I wasn't overly keen on getting into a discussion on Simpsons porn, official or otherwise - I felt sick enough as it is - but, noticing that all my friends were having a discussion, I felt compelled to join. I sat at an empty chair and tried to be quiet.

"I need to get the internet myself," said my token black friend. "The amount of porn I've seen people download from KaZaA is amazing. All I have is videos, and some of them are soft."
"Nothing wrong with soft porn," I said inconsequentially.

"The best one's the boat sex video," said Man o' War. "Where she's holding onto the thing on the ceiling and bouncing up and down."
"Who's 'she'?" I said, incensed. "'She' has a name. Jenna Jameson, in fact."

So much for trying to be quiet.

"How do you know it's Jenna Jameson in that video?" said Man o' War.
"Because he's got the internet in his room," several people said at once.

That probably wasn't his question. Once again, the slightly odd reputation that I had of someone who wasn't really interested in sex reared its head. You'd think the impassioned speech I gave in favour of sex before marriage in year 7 would have been a clue. Mind you, by this time I was in year 13. The fact that I remember it may not have impacted so much on other people.

While to those whom I presented a squeaky-clean, relatively wholesome image (don't I always?) this may have been a revelation, I - like so many others my age - also downloaded porn from KaZaA. That's basically what KaZaA was for - individual tracks from various albums, parody songs labelled as "Weird Al Yankovic" but not actually being by him, Cows with Guns by Dana Lyons, and the Jenna Jameson boat sex video. Practically everyone in the entire world has seen the Jenna Jameson boat sex video. I still have it on this very computer.

"Of course, there are other videos," said Lightsinthesky, to my great relief. "There's that one with Jenteal in the dressing room..."

I had that one.

"...and that one with Annabel Chong on the picnic blanket..."

I had that one too.

"...and the one with Tara Patrick..."
"Tera," I corrected him.
"...Tera Patrick, where she gives a double blowjob at the end, and she swallows..."

I had that one too.

"...and the one with Laura Angel in the rain..."

Had they been going through my hard drive?

"...and that one with Peter Griffin where..."

At which point I safeworded out of the conversation by suggesting to Einstein that we go and play chess. We did. He beat me, narrowly, but at least there was much less discussion of sex videos on the Internet when your mind is fixed on where to put your bishop and the distribution of your pawn and how your queen moves and GOD DAMN IT, BRAIN, LEAVE ME ALONE!

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