Monday, 20 March 2017

Books = Gay

You're probably wondering who I am...

From the writing style, I thought - initially, at least - that I knew who it was. I gave my answer; I was wrong.

You don't know me. My name is Nicholas. Nico.

I reflected.

How can I help you?

Nothing, really. I just wanted to say that I liked your review of the Green Day album on Amazon.

I thanked him. Although it took me a while to divine exactly which Green Day album to which he was referring - and also which variant of Amazon. I've always liked Green Day - and, at the age of 17, to drive off the boredom and downward spiral of depression and endless glut of pixelated porn which failed to give my life any meaning, I wrote a lot of Amazon reviews. I wrote my review of the first Harry Potter film immediately after I saw it at the cinema.

We had a pleasant conversation - it eventually moved onto Blink182, as you do, and Smash Mouth. He asked if I minded him keeping me on MSN as a contact. I didn't mind.

About a month later he messaged me again, asking if I'd bought anything else from Amazon. I had, in fact, bought two things with birthday money - Dude Ranch by Blink182 and The Truce at Bakura, which - at the time - was canon. I told him this.

You bought a book? Books suck.

Heck no. I'm safewording out of this conversation. I couldn't possibly disagree more. Step away from the computer, ILB.

Books don't suck! I love books!

You bastard.

I bet you're gay if you like books.


Everyone who likes books is gay.


Do you ever think about fucking other guys?

"I need to say something", I thought. "I need to defend against rampant homophobia when I can... and defend all those who love books!"

No. One of my best friends is gay, and my aunties are, but I'm not.

I was 17; I didn't really know how to carry out this conversation. Not that it matters, because immediately after that, Nico blocked me. All in all, it wasn't a very pleasant conversation. I'd had better conversations on said computer. I resolved that I'd never talk to him again - not that I really wanted to, now that it turned out he was a homophobe.

A few months later, he reappeared, all of a sudden, with a completely different screen name - something like:

POW whos on the mic rite now nikki s on da mic gonna show you how its dun

This looked neither like something written by a Green Day fan... nor the eloquent, polite young man from our first conversation. Intrigued, but not wanting to start an argument, I decided to send him a message, just to see what had happened.

Hi. Are you into rap now, as your screen name suggests?

It took a few seconds before he responded.

whos dis?

I'm the one you added because you liked my Green Day review on Amazon.

r u da gay one?

To be fair, I hadn't imagined that something like this wouldn't happen. Fortunately, by this point, I had a ready-made answer. And a truthful one, to boot.

I'm the one you thought was gay. But I got engaged recently. To a girl, so yeah, I'm not gay. But, yes, I'm that guy.

I didn't mention the fact that I'd been engaged relatively briefly, to a girl who was cheating on me to begin with, and by this point had called it off. But I didn't need to mention any of that. I just wanted to know if he'd moved on from rock to rap, and he hadn't answered my question.

so yeah im inta rap now i have bin for months

At which point he blocked me again.

But it was nice to clear that up.

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