Sunday, 12 February 2017

Soft Porn Sunday: Kaylani Lei & Kevin Patrick

Picture, if you will, the Cinemax offices after having decided to make one final series of Co-Ed Confidential. Kevin Patrick is back as annoying main character James, and they've even managed to hold onto Michelle Maylene as hot Asian-American party girl Karen. Things look good.

"But it's the fourth series," says one executive. "With only two characters returning from the first, and three years of almost continuous cast changes, what are we going to do?"
"Oh, it's okay," says another executive. "We'll just throw in far too many one-dimensional characters called amusing things."

"How about 'Mr. Wright', which sounds like 'Mr. Right'?"
"Perfect! Write that down, someone!"
"Uhm," says a third, slightly younger executive. "What do we do with James? Shouldn't he have graduated by now?"
"That's a point. Let's make him a member of the faculty. That's totally believable."
"Can he still have sex with students?"

"Sure, why not? I can't see anything wrong with that..."

Appearance: Co-Ed Confidential, Series 4: "How Minx Got Her Groove Back" (2010)
Characters: Minx & James

And so James Tyler, the wastrel who has spent three years on pointless get-rich-quick schemes and total excess of the university lifestyle, plus sleeping with a variety of women, has graduated. In order to fit him into the series somehow - and seemingly as a result of the writers realising that this is a show meant to be set at a university, and they've never actually seen too many classes happening - Mrs MacGuffin (probably not the character's name, but it may as well be) pulls a few strings and gets him hired as a university lecturer, teaching a business studies class.

Which he does. Around him like a nebula swirl an odd collection of characters - other staff, old students, new students, some returning, some not - all with plenty of racially insensitive jokes, hokey but amusing plotlines, an attempt at a story arc or two, and a healthy dose of skin - lest we forget, it's a softcore sitcom. Fun though this may be, there really isn't much for James to do for the first half, what with his first girlfriend being completely absent for the final series and his second more interested in her film studies teacher (errrrrr...).

Enter Minx.

James took my "Enter Minx" line literally.
Minx is a rock chick played by porn actress Kaylani Lei, and she is unquestionably the best character in the entire history of Co-Ed Confidential. She's not a main character - she's neither student nor faculty, and is thrown into the mix as a recurring character. She makes her first appearance in the second series, but after that often absent because she's on the road being a Beyoncé-lite pop sensation,occasionally returning to have sex with James, because why not have sex with James?

Don't answer that question.

So James, working the student bar (because that's totally appropriate for a teacher), announced his business plan to his class of three(!): they get a big-name star to perform in said bar, and that brings in the crowd, making money. (Genius - he should be speaking at Eroticon.) Gosh, I wonder who's about to walk in?

SURPRISE, BITCHES!

Commence high-octane flirting ("Oh, it's always a pleasure to reach out and touch my fans... and touch my friends, too..." - English translation: "Great to see you! We're going to have sex!"), a gig to promote, and random moments from another storyline, before we jump cut to the moments backstage just before said gig. Minx's manager has been fired for stealing from her, and she even asks James to take on his position. He certainly takes on a few positions after a few seconds.

"I think I do have a thing for hot school teachers," she confesses.
"Well, you know I've always had a thing for sexy-ass little rock stars in their underwear," he replies. Scintillating dialogue, as usual.


These boots were made for fucking.
So, yes, this sort of dialogue kind of continues throughout the sex. There's plenty of playful banter as Minx jumps aboard the sofa and throws out incongruous Beatles references while kissing James:

"What do you say we come together right now? Or maybe get back to where we once belonged? Or even twist and shout?"
"I am the walrus!" (Seriously, I didn't make that up. He actually says this.)

One of the main reasons I like Co-Ed Confidential is how insane the sex scenes are. They certainly waste no time in getting hot and heavy, and from the instant James starts doing indecent things to the seductive Minx, you know this is going to be absolutely crazy. And it is. Within the first ten seconds, accompanied by some ragged breaths and plenty of flirtatious giggles, Minx is naked (save her boots, which she keeps on for the whole thing) and James has his top off. A few more seconds, and a few more kisses, and Minx is on her back getting head from James.

Oh, and did I mention the whole thing is on a sofa?

Kaylani Lei is a porn star, and she's probably used to letting out the traditional "aaaah, yeah" noises on
I want a hot pop star to give oral sex to.
camera. Here she's really going for it - rocking back and forth, writhing, moaning, crying out. While it may be out of place in something else, such as Emmanuelle, here it fits in perfectly. The successive spoken lines ("oh, yeah, keep doing that") even seem to fit - as does the music, which is inoffensive pop rock with a female vocalist. I think the intention here is that this is one of Minx's songs - or, if it isn't, it should be! I'd buy her album!


James and Minx then have sex in the missionary position - which
James: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
actually looks a little uncomfortable; it's not a huge sofa - with plenty of vocalisations from Kaylani Lei and inexplicable yodelling faces from Kevin Patrick. This, too, is cool and crazy - nothing held back whatsoever; both actors are genuinely giving it their all. The same is true for the astride sex we then mix to, Minx bouncing merrily up and down as her hair flies everywhere, sexual babbling from both characters in the mix and even an "I'm gonna come!" before the characters actually do.


I really don't want to think they're acting. Were this actual sex, it'd be some of the best sex ever.

So - apart from the attractive actors, fun characters, corny dialogue, really hot sex, appropriate soundtrack and the fact that both characters keep their shoes on throughout (this makes it all look more urgent, or something), what do I like about this scene? Probably the fact that it is immediately followed by a full-on musical performance, complete with dancing.

Yes, I just said that.

No, I will certainly not apologise. I know that, immediately after I've had sex, the first thing I want to do is go right on stage and sing for an hour and a half.

Hey, I said it was fun. I didn't say it was meant to make sense!

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