Sunday, 27 November 2016

Soft Porn Sunday: Taimie Hannum & Richard Burns

This is, without any shred of a doubt, one hundred per cent cheese. B-grade, glossy, vapid erotic sci-fi schlock, with laughable CGI, barely creditable acting, an absolutely terrible set-up and a plot which, despite the fact that it contains alien invaders and a journey through space, manages to be incredibly dull, only livened up by the occasional flash of skin.

Why I've never talked about it before I'll never know.

Pleasurecraft (Welcome Aboard is either the subtitle or tagline, it's not explained which) takes place
"Must fix this movie!"
on the spacecraft Prometheus (no, another one), a cargo ship carrying something unexplained - but highly desired, since an alien race called Mutarians attempt to kill them for it. Captain Jason (Juan Carlos) and his crew - Carter (Billy Riverside), Len (Vincent Kessler), TJ (Richard Burns) and Dex (Paul Johnson) - a robot devoid of human emotions, although with acting like this, who'd know? - fight off the Mutarians and continue their epicless amble through space.


Into this yawn-fest, enter the cargo: Reva (Brandy Davis), Deena (Taimie Hannum) and Junet (Amber Newman). Yes, women are the cargo.

No, really, I'm not making this up.

The RDJ Team are aliens from a race whose purpose in life, apparently, is to share pleasure - which, in layman's terms, means they fuck. Once this is established by way of a lesbian threesome (which happens - and, again, I'm not making this up - as a result of boredom), the rest of the film genuinely doesn't matter.

Neither does any of the above, really, apart from the fact that it gives an excuse for

Appearance: Pleasurecraft (1999)
Characters: Deena & TJ

TJ is a technician, and therefore doesn't have a very interesting life. This is evident, as we first see him using some sort of tool to do some sort of technical stuff on the ship. He is surprised when Deena turns up, and even more so when she heals a wound on his hand with a kiss, so he may continue with his work. It's probably not very important maintenance, however, as he chooses instead to have sex with Deena, so of the ship crashes and they all die, then it's totally her fault.

Or his. I dunno. Nor do I really care too much.

"Our people have certain empathic gifts," she says. "We sense what people need and strive to fulfil that."

Of course that's a believable line. But then again, after Honey G, I can believe anything.

Kisses.
Disrobing.
Sex!

"Chewie, we're home."
The first half a minute or so happens at a succession of Batman angles, with TJ pressed up against a wall by Deena, both of them taking clothes off with occasional kissing. It's nothing special, standard softcore disrobing, but for what it is, it isn't really that bad. TJ isn't really doing much - maybe that's the character, maybe it's just Richard Burns' acting - but Deena's obviously into it, with Taimie Hannum putting a lot of facial expression and hip-gyrating into a performance which really only amounts to taking her clothes off. After over a minute of this, we finally get to see her boobs - his have been on show since the start - followed by a bizarre bit where she does a sort of pole dance without a pole, while he looks on stupidly and does nothing, as if he's had second thoughts.

They do some sort of twirl, kiss a bit more, and then we get a few seconds of soft porn cunnilingus (similar to a soft porn blowjob, only slightly more realistic and involving less hair) and boob-rubbing before mixing to actual penetrative sex, which mostly consists of Deena riding TJ in the astride position, while he tries to sort out some sort of lower back issue he's got going on.

This bit I actually quite like. There's been a slow start, but now we get down to it, it's relatively sexy,
It's got to be sci-fi; the background's grey.
in a way. I like the "spontaneous sex wherever" bit, I quite like the set-up and pay-off, and although I don't have much time for Richard Burns, Taimie Hannum is an incredibly beautiful woman, and while there's not a lot of bouncy energy in her performance, there's certainly a decent amount of sensuality. It's not a romantic sex scene, but she moves her body in an attractive manner, which helps.


It carries on for a while, actually, with a number of relative degrees of proximity, occasional things involving hands (rubbing, sucking, laying on thereof, et al.) and some smiley-laughy faces from Deena, all without a change of sex position, before kind of giving up and mixing away to Carter, who's snogging Junet in his pilot's chair.

All of which is overlaid with stabby, synthesized electric guitar and a techno beat - again, some music that was probably more fun to make than the scene itself.

Hmmm.

Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolli lolli lolli...
I've always thought of this as a good sex scene, and now that I look at it again, it's not that good. For what it is, it's okay, with a good performance from Hannum and the requisite sack of meat that is Burns; it's just not particularly inspiring. There isn't really a lot to go on - would it have hurt to put in another sex position? surely it was an option? - which isn't helped by the fact that it doesn't really go anywhere. Lesbian threesomes notwithstanding, it's the first full sex scene in the whole film (a few "virtual strip club" scenes don't count) at over half an hour in, which may go a fair way to satiate the "I want straight sex scenes or I'm turning off my cable TV" market. Who knows?

I'm not sure what else there is to say. There isn't really much more, anyway. The film itself appears to be in the wrong order, really - there isn't really a plot to follow after this scene (well, there is, but it's a very thin one, with nary a Mutarian in sight) - we get a number of crew/alien-girl pairings and a third-act cloning scenario, but those are just there to fill space. You could, in all honesty, cut a lot out of this movie and have the whole thing over in half an hour and still be able to fit in all the sex scenes and make sense of the plot.

I sense a business plan...

No comments: