I'm very rarely certain about things - like, 100% certain. There are few things in life which are certain (prices will rise; politicians will philander; Rogue One is going to be awesome), and - disposed as I am to making grand, sweeping statements absolutely every time I speak - I've never been absolutely certain of many things.
I heard the couple in the flat around the back of our house having sex. Of that, I am certain.
Our place is odd because it's a room in a share house, in the garden of which is something which I assume was once a garage, but has been converted into a studio flat. The young couple in it are loud - whether they mean to be or not. Six, the girl, is slightly louder than her boyfriend, Seven, who works in the catering industry and is a massive geek (to the point where he's considering getting a Wii U just for Super Smash Bros. To be fair, this is a sentiment I understand.). Not technically living in the same house as them, I am rarely party to their misadventures, although I always enquire as to how Six's foot is, considering how she broke it falling down the steps to their flat, and I've occasionally geeked out with Seven over a card game or two.
They also argue a lot and Six's voice carries. It's quite awkward when it's the middle of the night and there are raised voices and I'm just trying to have a wank in peace, damn it!
Things can't be all that bad, though, because - as it turns out - Six is just as loud when in the throes of orgasm as she is when she shouts.
I was just washing my hands after visiting the bathroom when I heard the succession of oh!s coming from the open window... which I duly closed. This didn't really make much of a difference, so I went around the surrounding areas closing every other window, at which point every oh! started reverberating through the vent above the shower. A momentary silence followed, during which I held my breath, before being treated to yet another, louder succession of oh!s, with occasional sounds somewhere between a cry and scream from Seven. Halfway down the stairs as I was, I started to reflect that I could distract myself by going to make lunch.
Then I realised that the kitchen was right next to the door to their flat, so I sat on the stairs, torn between anxiety and amusement and considering just being hungry until they'd finished.
They finished. Audibly.
Hoping to avoid detection (although quite why - one suspects they were assuming everyone was out; it's quite quiet, sex noises notwithstanding...), I crept downstairs to find Six hobbling into the kitchen on her crutch, hair a tangled mess but clearly quite pleased with herself, followed quickly by Seven, who greeted me with a wave far too cheery for him and an enthusiastic salutation.
"Hey! I didn't realise you were here!" I lied. "How's your foot, Six?"
"Fine," she lied back, wincing as she put her weight on it. "We were just... just... we were..."
"Going out?" I supplied.
"Yes, that'll do!" said Seven. "See you later maybe we can do something together at some point okay really are going out now bye!" And they vanished into thin air.
Almost. Just before they shut the front door, Seven turned round and gave me the faintest hint of a grin, which I returned, before finally opening the 'fridge to get sandwich fillers... as my halo lit up and began to shine.