Monday, 19 September 2016

Porn King on Campus

It was two in the morning and,for the first time in what seemed like forever, I was in a very deep sleep. It was a miracle; the bed I was in had never been (and would never be) comfortable in any way whatsoever. I'd had sex in it once; that was good. The only other discernible use for it, sleeping notwithstanding, was to sit on it while watching Princess Mononoke on my laptop.

I'd been at university for half a year and had underestimated just how small the rooms would be. Nowadays, of course, to get a room of that quality would price me completely out of my budget (it cost my parents £1,000 for the whole year, but that was in 2003, and in a completely different city which is so relaxed that people ACTUALLY STAND ON ESCALATORS!); I was quite grateful to room in university hall in summer last year... it was, after all, quiet!

Having managed to make my room quite homely by lining up a stack of Astérix books and putting posters from the Pokémon manga up on the wall, I was gradually becoming a little more comfortable. My university didn't provide broadband in the rooms(!), but I'd used the first day to go into the city to buy a flylead splitter, and ended up hacking the 'phone line to get a serviceable dial-up connection. That was important to me, and gave me the status of "that geek in Block M with the Internet in his room". Could've been worse things to be.

I had stayed up late finishing an essay that was due in the following week, and had had a drink, a snack, a wank, and a read. I was genuinely asleep.

"Oi! Got any porn, mate?"

It was the holler that awoke me; I didn't need the subsequent hammering on the door and the yelling of my nickname to do so. I sat up, rigid with shock and something approaching anger, as the shuffling of several pairs of feet outside my door continued. It was a week night, and if I didn't do something, everyone else in my corridor would be awoken by the shouting and battering.

Of course, I didn't do anything. I sat there for a good five minutes with my eyes shut tight as the assault on my door continued. In the end, hoping to fend off their advances, I flopped out of bed, pulled on my pyjamas and ambled across to open it.

On the threshold stood one of the other guys living in my corridor. He'd had the good fortune to get the huge room in the corner, big enough to house nearly everyone in Block M. Behind him stood a horde of what looked, sounded and was acting like zombies, evidently in various states of intoxication; one, I noticed, was unconscious. I didn't recognise any of them at all, but they all had a dreadful leer. I was on the verge of pushing the panic button when I suddenly realised that no such button existed.

"Hey dude," said the one I knew, "can we please borrow your Emmanuelle porn disc?"
"I have an Emmanuelle porn disc?" I mumbled, trying to sound as sleepy as possible (which wasn't difficult), and using the interrogative voice to sound like I was mystified by this concept. Lies, of course: I had two, alongside Femalien II and The Exotic Time Machine II (which I later sold). Exactly how he knew I had at least one, when I hadn't told anyone anything, was confusing. I certainly hadn't been playing it that loudly (I hope...), and unless he'd broken into my room...

...oh.

"Can we please borrow your Emmanuelle porn disc?"
"No you can't," I mumbled, deliberately avoiding his gaze. "It's very bad porn, porn very bad. I think I'm going to to sell it." And I gave a yawn - a real one.

This seemed to satisfy him, and he bid me adieu, setting off for his much larger room with his gaggle of followers in tow (being dragged by the heels in the case of the unconscious one), one of them bemoaning the fact that they weren't going to be getting any porn to watch. I doubt they would have enjoyed Emmanuelle, anyway: probably too much plot between the sex scenes. I wouldn't even classify it as porn, really.

I closed my door, locked it from the inside, shuffled back to bed, clicked the lights off, lay back down... and, of course, completely failed to get back to sleep.

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