Sunday, 10 July 2016

Soft Porn Sunday: Tina Jordan & Graham Purdy

I've never been that interested in Baywatch (despite having actually met David Hasselhoff), so this is a bit of a strange one.

Recently I've been watching (have watched, all of, in fact) Obscurus Lupa's Baywatching YouTube series, recapping every episode - mostly for the benefit of someone who's never seen it. I saw adverts for Baywatch all the time while spooling through the soft porn available on Bravo in my teens, but was never really interested. Having seen Baywatching, I'm still not interested.

I'm not really going anywhere with this, and I wouldn't go anywhere with this, were it not for the fact that there's a softcore version, and it's called


I know. Hold me.

Appearance: Beach Heat: Miami, Series 1: "Virgin Meat on the Beach" (oh, dear sweet Lord!)
Characters: Lana & Jace

Despite the fact that Beach Heat: Miami clearly had a lot of money put into its production, there's not much thought put into its execution. It's a Baywatch-lampooning comedy drama set on a beach with lifeguards, but relatively little action happens on the beach, and almost none of the sex takes place there - opting instead to have conveniently placed apartments and the like for sexual escapades. It's lazily paced, the characters are completely uninteresting, the acting is laughable, and it lacks the self-aware humour of Co-Ed Confidential or the individual storylines of Passion Cove.

Basically, I think it's a concept based upon a single idea, and they weren't sure what they were doing with it. I've just sat through two episodes of this schlock, and I'm amazed that it got a second series.

I suppose one positive point is that the first series only has seven recurring characters, so they're easy
I couldn't fail to put this shot somewhere...
to keep tabs on. Cale (Josh Randall) and Jace (Graham Purdy) are young male lifeguards whose only goal in life seems to involve vaginas. Their co-workers include their boss, head lifeguard Melanie (Christina Galioto), young sassy Chloƫ (Tristian Lier) and slightly older Amber (Megan Houserman) - I'd know more about what she does if I could hear any of the dialogue but, hey, why waste money on sound balance? Into this mix of boobs and more boobs enters another set of boobs, Brooke (Kristen Hinton), a young 18-year-old rookie lifeguard who's assigned to Cale and Jace's tower.


You can probably see where this is going, only Brooke is a virgin and determined to stay that way. Condering that she's still a virgin after two episodes, I think that's pretty good going, although the fact that both Cale and Jace are objectionable knobheads with no redeeming characteristics (and all the other male lifeguards are extras) may well contribute to this.

Brooke's mum is a slut.

This is the word that's used to describe her most. The sweet, smart, sexy young virginal main character has a mother who seems to exist basically to have sex. She barely looks old enough to achieve motherhood - I'd peg Brooke and Lana (Tina Jordan) as sisters - but, in the first two episodes, Lana waves Brooke off to her new lifeguarding job and then wanks off an old guy with a beard, sucks off her landlord in lieu of paying rent, takes a lot of showers with plenty of soap, and when she has time, she has sex with Jace, for no other reason than he's young and impressionable and he isn't going to be doing it with Brooke.

Attempted seduction, with requisite face.
This scene is from the very first episode. Lana calls her daughter and claims to be having an allergic reaction to something; Brooke sends Jace for whatever goddamned reason, and he comes out with the classic line, "what can I do for you, Lana?". Brooke keeps calling her mother to see if she's okay, but clearly she is, because she's busily having sex with her daughter's dickhead colleague.

I didn't say the storylines were any good, either...

We start with Lana riding Jace while both of them are still semi-clothed. Lana isn't wearing much, because she never does; Jace is still clad in his red lifeguard swimming trunks. There's movement, but it serves very little purpose, with the exception of a few kisses, and it quickly cuts to a soft porn blowjob with the requisite amount of hair and the worst O-face since The Room. Another quick cut to some actual sex between the pair, beginning in the missionary position (but mostly under the covers so there isn't really much to see).

At this point the sex noises come in. This appears to be a theme with the series - start with just
*yawn*
music, then overlay the sex noises half way through. They come in so suddenly that they feel slightly incongruous (and they're all coming from Lana, which is weird, because Jace doesn't shut up during any of his other scenes...), and continue on until the end of the scene... which is a few minutes away and involves two changes of position.


It's only after starting to do her from behind that Jace says, "whoo!".

Uhm...

Dude! Professionalism!
There's also a bit where he's doing her doggy style, while kneeling up on the bed himself, blowing on his lifeguard's whistle because he's an idiot, and an increase in the number of mix shots, presumably to indicate that the sex is getting more intense or something, I don't know... before it just suddenly ends. Jace returns to the beach to tell Brooke that her mother is "fine" and I'm trying very hard not to golf clap this one.

This, I fear, is going to be typical of the scenes from the rest of the series. For such a long scene, with a lot of sex which starts pretty quickly, I found this one pretty boring. It's a pairing which I don't particularly like (the fact that I like neither Jace nor Lana as characters doesn't help) and the sex
I usually like this sort of stuff...
goes on for so long with so little variety or passion that there's not really much that helps to arouse. Tina Jordan, while conventionally attractive, isn't really old enough to pull off the "sexy older lady" trope (despite the fact that her character is a mother), and Graham Purdy isn't much to look at either. Frankly, it's a bit of a mess, and the fact that the whole scene is overlaid by a song with lyrics (as opposed to soft porn music as it's usually heard) is particularly awful.


Of course I'm going to watch the rest of the series, so I'd better get used to it while I can. Maybe I can make it worth my while somehow.

I'm just wondering, as you do, how strongly YouTube might object to a webseries based on this version of Baywatch...?

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