Thursday, 28 July 2016

Ritter

It was baking hot in western Denmark, and - pleased by the change in weather - I stripped down to my swimming shorts and ran headlong into the sea. Of course, the instant my feet touched the water, the sun disappeared behind a cloud and wind picked up speed, so I ran back out of the sea and wrapped myself in my towel. Reflecting on how foolish I'd been to put any stock in Western European weather, I trudged back to the campsite to change back into more windproof clothing (well, a T-shirt).

A lot of my friends who'd come to Denmark with me were hardier. One of them was still wearing her bikini, and one was topless. They were basking in what remained of the sunshine, and I scrambled around in my tent to fish out my book (Small World, by David Lodge) with a view to joining them.

"Do you know what I really want?" came the voice of the girl I had a crush on. "Chocolate!"

There was a general murmur of assent from outside, and at that moment, I had the most brilliant of revelations: I had unopened chocolate with me. Amused though I was by the existence of a Danish candy called Spunk, I had chosen to buy a couple of packs of Ritter chocolate with praline in the centre earlier in the week, and had promptly forgotten entirely about it.

"Hey hey, I've got some!" I shouted, proceeding to throw aside my bag of dirty clothes, my sleeping bag and mat, my GBA-SP, three unworn jumpers and a bunch of unopened condoms in order to unearth a pack of chocolate. "I've got the..."

I emerged from my tent brandishing the chocolate like I was declaring the power of Greyskull, and it immediately revealed itself to have melted while in my tent (maybe I slept on it at one point...). What I had available, really, was a gooey, sticky mess which was, once, a bar of chocolate.

"...remains of the chocolate," I finished.

"I'll open it," said my friend in the bikini. "We may need to eat it some other way, but..."
"I'll go and get a spoon," said the redheaded girl who had organised the trip, and she scuttled off towards the kitchen. I tentatively handed over the chocolate, standing back a bit, to the girl in the bikini.

"No problem," she said. "It just opens like..."

Melted chocolate suddenly appeared all over her tits.

And this is the reason why there's a picture of a topless guy licking melted chocolate out of the cleavage of a girl in a bikini, with me in the background spooning the rest into my mouth.

Yes, it's the real reason.

Sorry about that.

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