Wednesday, 30 March 2016


"I'd better get on with editing this stuff," I said to the guy I talk to, "or I'll never get it finished."

I'm still not finished.

I've been editing my way through some - frankly quite turgid and worryingly a little racist - stories, apparently designed for the 8-to-14 age bracket (but I privately think that the only child who would like them would be about 4, and even then, they'd need to be edited severely down a bit), which may well be written with the best of intentions, but tend to lean too heavily upon repetitive moralising and "side stories" (read: completely irrelevant tangets not cohesive enough to constitute a B-plot).

I wouldn't be doing this, but it earns me money and I want to be able to afford an Eroticon ticket.

Editing erotica for anthologies like this is often quite fun when I get around to it. This is a chore. I realise that I'm not meant to enjoy it, but still, I'd appreciate something slightly better. The guy who wrote it appears to have not even tried with basic things like spelling, punctuation, grammar, or even consistent indents. It hurts, and reminds me why I didn't go into editing professionally. It'd break me.

I haven't stopped giggling for about 20 minutes, though, because of a section of the story which conjures up something completely different in my mind:

“There’s nothing we can do but wait for the rain to stop,” replied Stuart.
“I wonder what he’s doing?” said Carl, looking over at Sheldon’s house.
“I can only think of one thing,” replied Stuart confidently. “It's that thing that everyone loves to do. The best way to pass the time!”
“Ah, yes!” said Carl.

You know... for kids!

Sunday, 27 March 2016

Sex & Religion: An Alternate Take

[Written partially as a response to Zak Jane Keir's guest post on Cara Sutra. Go and read that one too.]

A common criticism levied at religion is the assumption that all religions think theirs is the correct one, and that they will stop at nothing to attempt to enforce this view. This is certainly the portrayal that we see on the TV, often accompanied by the term "nutjob" and given airtime for the same reason that we give Donald Trump or Nigel Farage exposure. It's ludicrous to the point of farcical; we're told that Jesus - it's not always Jesus; Muhammad (pbuh) said a lot of the same stuff, as did Moses, Guru Nanak, Buddha and many other such prophets - consistently taught tolerance (Matthew 7:3), and yet Christians damn the general public into Hell despite this.

This is the commonly held view. It's just not true. I'm a universalist, as are most people in my own church, and I've never heard the concept of Hell mentioned at all. I went to church this morning - it is Easter, after all - and we said a prayer for Syria and Iraq. Just before my baptism, I even said that I follow Christianiy because it works for me, and that I wasn't trying to levy my faith against any others. I was baptised wearing a Super Mario Bros. T-shirt with a mild innuendo on it ("Clean Your Pipe!") and yet I still felt the touch of God.

ZJK's article (linked to above) makes the - fair - point that there is the opportunity to get off on the idea of blasphemy: fucking with the ideals of a religion for sexual pleasure. Horror stories of paedophilia often feature a monstrous religious figure of authority; turning the tables somewhat - smut going entirely against a religious ideal - can be an appealing idea. For the non-religious atheist (especially one who holds all religions in contempt, considering them fictitious nonsense), this may well be a comfortable and even gleeful prospect. I, myself, enjoy takes upon the Christian mythos - such as Cover Him with Darkness by Janine Ashbless - for the same reason that I enjoy classical Greco-Roman and Norse mythology: because it's fascinating.

But as for the smut that subverts religion because it can - as opposed to serving any real purpose... that I don't enjoy. It makes me slightly uncomfortable, and that's fine - YKINMK, and anyway, there's more than enough out there that tittilates me already. But I do feel unsteady (even slightly insulted, depending upon the level of blasphemy assumed) at such stories, or even factual statements in everyday discussion or debate. Christianity - like every religion - is open to interpretation, according to how you read whatever scripture.

As a white, cisgender male from a middle-class background, I'm not exactly what you'd call a "minority". I'm a WASP, albeit a rather liberal one. Yet I advocate freedom of sexual expression, living unmarried (and having regular sex) with my foreign bisexual queer girlfriend, and previously with a number of other girls of varying diverse backgrounds, only one of whom was a practising Christian and one of whom was Wiccan (at the time; I think she converted later on). I write a sex blog and occasionally invoke the name of Christ during orgasm (although most of my orgasms are quite silent - I like to make her scream His name, though...).

If you think back to the stereotype of a radical Christian, this is not what you think of. They are either predatory or chaste. I am neither. I like sex as well as - not despite - being a Christian. I've never seen them as being mutually exclusive.

According to the way I interpret my religion, God gave us existence, and part of existence is sex, which is a pleasurable thing as well as - sometimes but, crucially, not always - a route towards procreation. He also gave us knowledge, and that enables us to do such things as prohibit procreation and enjoy sex, and also to adapt it in our own ways - including the blasphemous erotic fiction that people like... and porn. And erotic romance. And BD/SM. And sex talk. And softcore. If all that stuff came from humankind, and humankind came from God, and God is omniscient, then surely there's a link there somewhere?

So I masturbate. I watch porn. I have sex outside marriage. I advocate, strongly, casual sex (and get off on the concept) while also espousing the benefits of safety while doing so. At no point, not even once, did I feel and Christian guilt during any of this. Guilt? Yes. I repeatedly thought that what I was doing, especially in my younger years, was wrong, but never from a religious perspective. Insofar as my Christianity goes, I see sexual pleasure as a gift from God, for which I am grateful.

I've never belived in Hell. I do not fear the wrath of God and I'd never describe myself as "God-fearing". I don't fear God; I love God and all He does for me. I don't see a God of anger and punishment as much as I see a God of compassion and acceptance. And pleasure, of which sex is a part, I've never seen as something incompatible with religion. I'd hope you don't, either.

After all, if we could all just learn to accept each other for who we are... then we'd be doing what a lot of the world religions tell us to!

Wednesday, 23 March 2016

Get your mind out of the gutter!

"It's been very nice working with you," said the receptionist as she shovelled her stuff into a carrier bag, emptying out half the kitchen cupboard's tea and biscuits.
"Well, it's been very nice working with you too," I said, as I took one of the remaining biscuits, a few seconds before the implications of what she'd just said hit me.
"Are you... are you leaving?" I squeaked. I hadn't been informed of this; as far as I was aware, she hadn't made any plans of the sort at all. I'd gotten used to her presence, and here she was, very clearly packing to leave.
"I just can't work here any more," she said, before invoking the name of our - now my - boss. "I've never met someone with such a dirty mind!"

I, of course, have. But something seemed a little off about this statement.

My boss is a fundamentalist Christian who runs a salvation-style church. She occasionally has me editing - for money - odd Christian literature which I don't necessarily agree with, but I do it because money. She doesn't laugh at - or, seemingly, get - innuendo (the rest of the staff pepper their speech with it), and (while I've never asked) I doubt she'd describe herself as sex-positive. Not that I'd imagine she knows the term.

My friend-who-is-a-teacher has a dirty mind. The blonde girl who discussed her masturbation habits with me had a dirty mind. Stu Nugent has a dirty mind. As for my incredibly strait-laced boss, well, she has perhaps the least dirty mind in Christendom. It's hardly full of filth, at least. Which made the comment so incongruous.

"You did say that, right?" I asked as she tapped my number into her 'phone. "We are talking about the same person? You did say dirty mind?"
"Absolutely," she said, swinging her bag over her shoulder. "Anyway, I'm off."

And she walked out.

I don't think I'll ever work this one out.

Friday, 18 March 2016


As the candles flickered and the final bit of the joss stick crumbled to ash on the bedside cabinet, I felt her shiver more forcefully and finally than she had been doing. Her hands, which had been busy at her clit and perineum for the past few minutes, lay spread out on the bed next to her - a Christ figure made of satisfied lady - while I kept my fist grasped firmly around my shaft, pulling and pushing, her skin a canvas directly in front, begging to be touched.

A thousand possibilities, and a thousand more, whirled around my head, the tumbler jumping from one thing to the next. It's been an odd week - one of waiting for something to happen without much of a clue of what it is; yet here I was, in a special moment - a jewel set into a bracelet - and jumping from hither to thither while masturbating over the naked girl right in front of me.

What was I doing?

I leaned down to plant a kiss directly on her lips, to which she responded in kind. The very tip of my cock pressed against her soaking wet, engorged lips...

...and suddenly it all made sense.

Her hands curling around to grasp my back, I penetrated her with a forward push, and slid my entire length into her in one long, slow, effortless stroke.

Monday, 14 March 2016


I haven't had a shower for a few days, and I feel dirty.


It's not actually my fault. There's something wrong with the plumbing in our share house. Water doesn't drain out of the sinks. Using the dishwasher floods the kitchen. Our radiator may have been fixed, but the leak in the kitchen ceiling is back, meaning that anyone using the bathroom - including the shower - is at risk of causing an electrical short (a power socket, linked to the toasted sandwich maker, is directly underneath the leak).

It's dangerous. (Everyone in this house is being evicted, so we're trying to look for somewhere else to live, which is proving fruitless - nowhere wants to house couples, or people who earn less than £2bn a month, in North London. But we're still here... for now.)

The shower we've got is not even particularly nice. I was spoiled at SH, where there was a really good, powerful, steamy pod shower - self-contained, enclosed, a world of water and scent and steam and full nudity. I spend a very long time in the shower, having grown up taking baths until my skin prevented me from doing so, concentrating on soaping every single area, from my temples to the skin between my toes, my back, arse and perineum, both inside and outside my foreskin, shampooing all my hair (all of it) and conditioning it too (yes, really!), the water cascading over my body, washing away a multitude of sins.

It's a world away from furtive blasts of too-hot, too-cold water, intermittently sprayed from a hand-held shower head from Poundland, hastily (and sparingly) rubbing Lush shower gel all over before my skin dries out. This, added to the knowledge that whatever ends up going down the plughole will contribute to the steady drip onto the kitchen counter (even if it does have the aroma of candyfloss!), doesn't make for a pleasurable experience. The worlds that blossom in my head under the influence of water are still there, up to a point (I thought of the name "Innocent Loverboy" in the shower), but they flicker like a broken reel of film - as opposed to the flawless HD to which I'm used - and I emerge raw, dishevelled, and thoroughly dissatisfied.

Fear of the unknown, of leak-related guilt, of tiredness getting in the way, and of who-knows-what-else?, have stopped me from showering in the past week. I'm wounded, flaky, itchy and covered with HAIR, and in a funk which needs to be, if nothing else, thoroughly washed away.

Thursday is my birthday.

I am spending the afternoon locked into my parents' bathroom, and I am not coming out until finally scrubbed to an angelic shine.

And then we'll see who's feeling dirty.

Friday, 11 March 2016


I'm not sure exactly when it started, nor do I remember exactly how. Maybe it's always been there and something's brought it out, or perhaps I'm imagining things and it's not there at all (but I don't think that's the case).

But I have a burning desire to lick. I want it. I need it. It completes me.

I have my own mental list of sexy things I do when I'm giving oral sex. I like, in a way, to involve as much of my body as I can, and girls - in my experience - tend to react better when there are multiple stimuli at work. I can flick my tongue rapidly, horizontally, across both pussy lips, working my way up and back down very slowly indeed. I can lick all the way from the perineum to the clitoris and tease the clut with the very tip of my tongue. I can lick in alternate circles both clockwise and anti-clockwise, both outside and inside her labia.

And I'll take my time over it. It's not a bully wank. I love it when she comes in my mouth; I love the spreading sensation over my lips and the sharp taste running over my tongue and down my chin. It's messy. It's dirty. It's obscene. But I love it. I'll take my time, because - although I want to get her to orgasm - I don't want to do that immediately.

But then there are other things I can do. I can grip her thighs while my head is between her legs or bring my hands up to cup her boobs, pressing her nipples between my fingers, or just run the tips around her body, stroking, caressing. I can press a finger against her perineum as I lick, adding a new sensation. I can even gently insert a finger (or two or three...) into her, feeling her inside, how the inside walls of her pussy throb and contract, tickling her g-spot as I go. And if I want a break, I can pull back, take in a breath of fresh air, and then go down again.

And again. And again. And again.

And this is what I've been wanting to do for the past week or so. It's where my mind wanders during the quiet moments. Between the thighs.

When I play out these situations in my head, I occasionally find my tongue doing the motions. It's not intentional; I fantasise about giving oral sex and do everything in such careful detail that my mouth automatically responds. I flick against the air; I run circles around my cheeks; I lick my top lip and savour the thought that I may - will - at some point be doing this to a clit, or inside some labia, and I'll give my all.

Because I want her to orgasm. I want her to feel the pleasure. And I want to lick.

And I will.

 I will.

Tuesday, 8 March 2016

IWD Logic

ILB: "You know that book you have: A Gentleman in the Street?"
LLB: "Yeah..."
ILB: "Well, that reminds me of that phrase - you know the one? Be a lady in the streets, a whore in the sheets?"
LLB: "Yeah, I think that's the point..."
ILB: "Well, I was thinking about that phrase..."
LLB: "..."
ILB: "Okay, so you know how sometimes there are synonyms for sex workers - like 'whore' - and then classier ones, like 'lady of the night'? And one of them is 'streetwalker'? So, technically, you could probably call a sex worker a 'lady in the streets'..."
LLB: "I suppose..."
ILB: "Right. So, technically, you could claim that any lady in the streets could be a whore, both in and out of sheets, right?"
LLB: "..."
ILB: "And what if your lady actually is a whore? I mean, it's a job, right? So what if that's her profession, and you're in a relatonship with a sex worker? Is your lady a lady in the streets who's a whore both in the streets and the sheets, or is she a whore both in and out of the sheets, or a lady all the time? I mean, how do you even make that distinction?"
LLB: "..."
ILB: "..."
LLB: "..."

I'm sure that, at some point, I must have thought I was making sense.

Wednesday, 2 March 2016

The Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2015 - Remastered!

I almost didn't think this was going to happen this year, but luckily enough, Molly stepped up to take this over from the recovering Rori. I really hoped I'd be on the list again this year, partially because I work hard on making content for my blog, but mostly because I wanted a new button for my sidebar.

Shiny shiny.

In any case, here's the list!

Top 100 Sex Bloggers 2015

1. A Dissolute Life Means
When I started this project I knew Hy was going to make the top 10 but once all the scoring was done she emerged a worthy winner of this years list. Her writing is fearless, bold, honest and raw. She never shies away from the realities of herself when it comes to her writing. She is funny, sexy, intelligent, thought-provoking, sometimes heart breaking, and often heart warming. She also runs the fabulous #Boobday meme 'a place for us to honour breasts of all shapes and sizes belonging to all types of folks'. In my opinion she is a most worthy winner!
2. Love Hate Sex Cake
I have long been a dedicated reader of Cheeky Minx but 2015 has seen her completely blow me away. Her photography is second to none and when coupled with her deliciously sexy prose packs a lust filled punch that will leave you breathless and returning again and again for more.
3. Malin James
Malin's blog is a delightful mix of quality sexy erotica and thoughtful intelligent opinion pieces. One moment she will be knocking your knickers off with her erotic fiction and the next she will have you pondering the vagaries of life. She is a skilled and passionate writer, insightful, self aware and utterly engaging, her blog is one of those places that you can happily loose hours of your life in.
4. Dangerous Lilly
Lilly is all the things you want in a sex toy reviewer; honest, smart, dedicated, and knowledgeable. Her no nonsense writing is engaging and informative and damn can she make me laugh. This woman really knows her stuff, and she is my go to site when when I want to get an opinion on a sex toy. She is one of those bloggers who comes across as being totally and utterly herself and her blog is possibly one the best designed and easiest to navigate on this whole list.
5. Switch Studies
I first discovered Ginger Nic's blog through Elust but doing the research for this list caused me to delve a lot deeper into her site, what I found totally hooked me in. Her writing is intelligent, artistic, and covers a wide range of topics. It is a true glimpse into her life and thought processes that will make you want to read on. There really is something for everyone here, regardless of your persuasion.
6. Holden and Camille
In my opening post about the list back in January I said if you knock my knickers off you are going to do well and these guys totally did that. In fact they didn't just knock them off they tore them off and threw them across the room. Their photography is quite frankly smoking hot. From suggestively erotic to devilishly filthy these guys have it covered, or should that be uncovered? This blog is a fabulous journey through one couples sex lives in the bedroom, living room, dinning room, bathroom, staircase and beyond and whenever I visit there I always end up leaving with the urge to indulge in a damn good fuck. 

7. Remittance Girl

If, like me, you like your erotica raw and gritty with not a happy ever after ending in sight then RG's writing is the stuff for you. Combine that with strong, well reasoned opinion pieces and you have got yourself a winner. In my opinion RG is one of the best writers of short erotic literature of our time. She has the power to make you think about human desire and eroticism in a way that will at times leave you uncomfortable whilst also turning you on.
8. Stranded in Toronto
There is no one else quite like Stranded in the sex blogging community in my opinion. A fine writer, he has a talent for combining sci-fi and fantasy with humour and hot dirty sex that will have you returning again and again to his site. 2015 has been the year of self publishing for him but that has not slowed him down when it comes to his blog. He is prolific in his writing and there is always something new to enjoy on his site.
9. The Big Gay Review
This blog was completely new to us and both of us were completely taken with it. It is beautiful presented, easy to navigate and his pictures of the products that he reviews are not only beautifully done but also numerous so you really get to see the products in detail. Oh and this guy is funny. He has a wonderful turn of phrase that resulted in us both sitting here chuckling to ourselves as we read. I have a feeling that hanging out with Dave in real life would be a total blast and he most definitely has been added to the list of sex bloggers I would one day like to meet in person.
10. Domme Chronicles
I have been a very long time reader of Ferns, in fact over the years I am fairly sure there is not much of her content that I have not actually read. Despite the fact that her kink is pretty much the direct opposite of mine I am an avid reader of her site. She is a phenomenal writer and her blog is an honest frank account of what it means to her to be a female Domme.
11. Seattle Poly Chick N/A
12. My Dissolute Life @nlikes
13. The Power Exchange @talesofmouse
14. Abbi Rode and Told @OCDcrankypants
15. Rebel's Notes @rebelsnotes
16. Girly Juice @girly_juice
17. Innocent Loverboy @innocentlb
18. The Drew Duality @dualdrew
19. Ann St Vincent @AnnStVincent
20. Jade Aurora Waters @jadeawaters
21. Insatiable Desire @RayneMillaray
22. Understanding Flutterby @FlutterbyFlip
23. Cammies on the floor @cammiesonfloor
24. Aerie's Room @aeriesroom
25. Seaside Slut Diary @seasideslut
26. Sex Blog (of Sorts) N/A
27. Oh Joy Sex Toy @ErikaMoen
28. Modesty Ablaze @ablazingmodesty
29. Denying Thumper @thumperMN
30. Lady Laid Bare @JillyBoyd
31. Redhead Bedhead @joellennotte
32. Hey Epiphora @epiphora
33. The Gritty Woman @GrittyWoman
34. Miss Ruby Reviews @MissRubyReviews
35. Behind the Chintz Curtain @ChintzCurtain
36. Superotica @TamsinFlowers
37. The Sub Mission @The_Sub_Mission
38. Rouged Mount N/A
39. You can't Tame this Sassy Cat @Sassycat38
40. BD Swain @redswain
41. The Submission of Elle @hispetitelle
42. Temperature's Rising N/A
43. Ninja Sexology @ninjasexology
44. Cara Sutra @thecarasutra
45. Kitty Stryker @kittystryker
46. Deviantt Kitten @devianttkitten
47. Horny Geek Girl @hornygeekgirl
48. Poison Pen Dirty Mind @OleanderPlume
49. Teachers have sex @teachershavesex
50. Penny for your Dirty Thoughts @pennysblog
51. Emmeline Peaches Reviews @EmmelinePeaches
52. Maria Open's Up @MSM1647
53. A to sub Bee @sub_bee
54. Songs From His Nyghtbird N/A
55. A Roll in the Hay @kinthehay
56. Apricot Creams @apricotcreams
57. A Sexual Being @KaylaLords
58. Reticent Mental Property N/A
59. Janine Ashbless N/A
60. The Erotic Writer N/A
61. Crista Anne @pinkness
62. Ero Centric @EROcentric
63. Break Out N/A
64. Happy Come Lucky @ht_honey
65. Stella Kiink @stellakiink
66. He's Naked @hesnaked
67. F Dot Leonora @fdotleonora
68. Tabitha Rayne @TabithaErotica
69. This Girl's Weblog N/A
70. Under His Hand N/A
71. Toy Meets Girl @dizzygirl812
72. Sex is my New Hobby @SexIsMyNewHobby
73. Exhibit A @EA_unadorned
74. Cara Thereon N/A
75. Marvelous Darling @marvydarling
76. The Other Livvy @theotherlivvy
77. Beck and Her Kinks @BeckAndHerKinks
78. Just Indecerous @JustIndecerous
79. Mr Wills House of Thrills @MrWills_HoT
80. A Kilted Wookie Writes @Kilted_Wookie
81. Artemisia FemmeCock @AFemmeCock
82. Illicit thoughts @Kats_my_Name__
83. Kink Praxis @TGStoneButch
84. Bangs and Whimpers @bangsnwhimpers
85. Vagina Antics @vaginaantics
86. Jerusalem Mortimer: Between the Lines @JaimeMortimer
87. The Lustful Literate @lustfulliterate
88. Ella Dawson @brosandprose
89. Sexologist Vixenne @DrVixenne
90. Frisky in the 916 @jackandjillcpl
91. Absolutely Ruby @Absolutely_Ruby
92. Malflic @malflic
93. The Kiss Me Quick's Erotica Podcast @RoseCaraway
94. Bex talks Sex @bextalkssex
95. Frisky's Sex Toy Reviews @FriskyGirl_
96. Kinky Biker Mom @KinkyBikerMom
97. Wank of the Day @wankoftheday
98. Charlie in the Pool @charlieinthe
99. My Sex Life with Lola N/A
100. Everyone else N/A

That's the highest I think I've ever been on any list of any kind (Junior Mastermind 1995 doesn't count), so clearly I'm doing something right!

Okay, now to go and read all the other blogs on this list...