Sunday, 10 January 2016

Soft Porn Sunday Special: ILB's Top 10 Sex Scenes

Among the little side-projects I work on (which are comprised mostly of monologuing to myself while walking to town or waiting for a bus), I tend towards making lists: books I haven't read but want to, films I like but everyone else seems to hate, order in preference of the Nintendo consoles, my top 20 blogs in order of preference. It makes me think I'm more important than I actually am, and makes me feel like a YouTuber, so that solves all my money worries.

One of the lists I've found much harder to compile - in fact, it's nigh-on impossible - is that of a top 10 sex scenes in soft porn. Especially in order of preference. I've reviewed so many scenes for Soft Porn Sunday and have hundreds more to go (seriously... hundreds), and in searching my Wikipedia-like memory I could recall about fifty that I like. Narrowing it down to ten was momentous, and then ranking them in order was torturous.

So that I have it written down somewhere, here's my top ten, in reverse order, as of this moment in time.

10. Mirror Images II: Terrie & Man
Shannon Whirry & Unknown
[video link]
This might be placed a little higher if I actually knew the name of the character who Terrie's sleeping with, or the actor who plays him - I used to, because I recorded this off Channel 5 when I was younger. Anyway, yeah, so, Whirry plays identical twins in this one, Carrie (the good twin) and Terrie (the bad twin), and they both manage to get their kit off several times.
All the scenes here are decent, but Terrie does end up sleeping with a couple of men who Carrie's already been acquainted with. The seventh sex scene in the film is my favourite - Terrie in sexy stockings playing up her "bad girl" cred by seducing the unknown "man" and ending up with him between her thighs. Glorious, sultry and decadent.
The video link above is to a compilation of all the sex scenes in Mirror Images II. I couldn't find the individual scene.

9. Beneath the Valley of the Ultravixens: Lavonia Shed & Mr Peterbuilt
Kitten Natividad & Patrick Wright
[video link]
Russ Meyer's films are hard to view as softcore because the scenes are often quick, dirty and over before any real stimulation happens - they jump between sexploitation and satire but aren't designed to get you off.
That hasn't stopped me, of course, and the gleeful, frisky shags that Natividad's Lavonia Shed in Beneath... are some of Meyer's most epxlicit and hottest. She manages to bed insatiable garbage collector Peterbuilt no less than three times during the film, all of them hot, and all with action-packed conclusions.
Apologies for the German subtitles in the video linked to above. Seems it's difficult to capture an individual Meyer scene too.

8. Dungeon of Desire: Vickie & Lady in Waiting
Amber Newman & Stella Porter
[video link | SPS review]
The only lesbian scene on my list and the first one that I've also reviewed previously for Soft Porn Sunday. It's a sexy mix of naked flesh, wild abandon, scenery, costume and music, and some very genuine-looking female orgasms. It doesn't aid the plot one iota, but it's done with such care that it's impossible not to love.

7. Andromina - The Pleasure Planet: Omar & Becca
Shannan Leigh & Mike Roman
[video link | SPS review]
Large-breasted, enthusiastic soft porn actress Shannan Leigh makes her first appearance on this list, and it's up against a post in a tribal village with a man who's 90% hair gel. Hmmm, maybe I need to re-think this list.
Okay, so I'm not too keen on Mike Roman (he's a little too "Mills & Boon cover art" for me) or his character Omar, but Leigh's portrayal of sexy rebel Becca is a fun one, and the scene is set well enough. The background vocal in the music is fun too, even if it does sound a little like a rapper forgetting his words...

6. Emmanuelle Through Time: Renee & Everyone
Nataliya Joy Prieto & Everyone
[video link | SPS review]
The first Emmanuelle scene on this list and... it's a number of different scenes, only one of which featuring Emmanuelle. ILB, you subversive bastard.
I've talked before about the carefree sexual activities of ditzy actress Renee (Prieto) in the Emmanuelle Through Time series before, even going so far as to buy some of the "missing" films from director Rolfe Kanefsky to have a complete set. As for the Renee scenes - well, it's impossible to pick one. Professor Stein? Private Summers? Emmanuelle herself? There are many and they're all a lot of fun - and Prieto is a very talented actress.
The video link above routes to a scene featuring Renee having very unusual vampire sex á la Twilight; the review is of her Snow White scene with Gregory the Huntsman from Wonderland, one that - as yet - I still haven't been able to encode, despite being asked. Still, at least I found one video.

5. Bedtime Stories: Belle & Michael
Kim Dawson & Steve Curtis
[video link | SPS review]
Every single episode of Bedtime Stories features Belle, played wonderfully by Dawson as a sexy, slightly older lady who runs the... well, the... whatever the central location in Bedtime Stories is meant to be. Although her sex scenes are few, there are some great ones, and my absolute favourite is this, a really hot scene with young, shy Michael, broadening his sexual horizons (so to speak), surrounded by plush décor and twinkling lights.
This is also the only scene on this list to be overlaid by what soft porn geeks (just me, then?) will recognise as the most-used piece of softcore music (and it's not just Bedtime Stories, either - I think I've heard it in Compromising Situations and in Passion Cove too...). Although it's an OK piece of music on its own, this scene has it syncing well with the sex, which earns it a place in my top five!

4. The Exotic Time Machine II: Moonbeam & Chuck
Leah York & Jason Schnuit
[video link | SPS review]
Hooray for Jason Schnuit!
This scene, which I've talked about at length before, has the (dubious? fantastic? irrelevant?) honour of being the scene I watch when I really need to have an orgasm, the reason being that it always works. I don't know whether it's Moonbeam's sexy back or beautiful hair, or Chuck being high at the time (a few seconds before the scene, Schnuit's portrayal of Chuck thinking he's an aeroplane is hilrarious), or the costumes (such as they are)... but whatever it is, it works for me.
Genuinely can't fault this one, although I do suspect its short length may put a lot of people off. C'est la vie.

3. Emmanuelle - Concealed Fantasy: Pamela & Haffron
Chanra & Paul Michael Robinson
[video link | SPS review]
Okay, I get it. It seems both ironic and churlish to feature two scenes from the Emmanuelle series and not actually have a scene featuring Emmanuelle, and doubly so when it's a film like this, which has numerous Emmanuelle/Haffron scenes (with the gorgeous Krista Allen) such as this one to pick from. Sorry, Krista!
In any case, at number three on my list is the scene I remembered most vividly from my youth when I first saw these films: some illicit, dirty and slightly confusing sex (which could well be anal, I mean, the angle makes it look like anal, I don't really know), starting stood up, transitioning to a bed and finally the floor. And featuring Haffron, who's a great character overall, really. Maybe by this point in the series he's found out what money is.

2. Friend of the Family: Montana & Billy
Lisa Boyle & Begue Georges
[video link | SPS review]
Just missing out on the number one spot is perhaps my longest-lasting sex scene, and an old favourite. Montana (Boyle) actually has two-and-a-half sex scenes in this movie, and her previous one (in a car, with her boyfriend, whose name I don't quite remember) is also good, and it's the one that I kept thinking about during my A-Level History exam (...what?).
But it's this that's easily the better one. Very passionate, very intense sex with a lot of heat, heavy breathing, urgency and no-holds-barred movement from both characters. And you get to learn French too, so that's tres beau. It's short, but brilliant. And it features Lisa Boyle, who's always been popular.

And...

1. Virgins of Sherwood Forest: Serena & Horatio
Shannan Leigh & David Usher
[video link | SPS review]
It's been years since I rediscovered this film in 2005, and even longer since I first watched it in around 2001, and yet the new sheriff's stress-relieving shag with the manservant - up against the castle railings, standing up with no support, bent over the table with a leg on the chair for leverage - still gets my number one spot, for it touches all bases: acting, cinematography, music and sex. 
There are, in fact, eight sex scenes in Virgins, and I was hard-pressed not to put all of them on this list - but I know which one would still get the top spot.
I first watched this scene while packing to go on a holiday about which I was stupidly excited. I love that feeling... and I love this scene.

There are, of course, some honourable mentions, but as for what they are... well, there are many more Sundays left to come this year...!

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