Monday, 21 December 2015

Ocado

"You look tired," my sister said when I arrived at her boyfriend's house to pick her up. "What, did you get up before 11 o'clock or something?"
"I got up at seven, actually..." I shot back, "...to have cybersex," I added in an undertone to her boyfriend, who tried very hard not to laugh too much.

[12 hours earlier...]

In (what seemed, at the time, to be) the most deviant of fashions, I had gotten up at seven in order to have cybersex with a girl in Holland who would, admittedly, be in her office at the time, but also had a bathroom very close-by; the plan was (although I wasn't privy to this until it happened) that I would get her worked up - through The Magic of IRC - until she felt ready to come, at which point she would escape to the bathroom, orgasm, then return and check to see if I, too, had been able to orgasm, and then get on with her desk job, or whatever it is she did (I didn't think to check).

It was quite a good plan, I thought - and, what's more, it was her idea, which I also liked. After all, I wasn't doing much else; I was unemployed, single and horny. I rarely got up before mid-morning and, on the days I did, nothing of any major impact happened, with the exception of more coffee. In the absence of morning sex, morning cyber seemed like a nice compromise.

By seven-fifteen, I was online, and by seven-thirty, everything was going well enough. There had been a little flirty banter going on; action was getting hotter and heavier, and things all seemed to be pointing in the right direction. I felt myself getting closer, and hoped (her text seemed to confirm this) that she was, too.

"ILB! The Ocado delivery's here!" my mother trilled from downstairs. "Could you come and put it all away? I'll be back soon!" This was followed by the sound of the front door slamming shut, and a very tense few seconds in which I attempted to weigh up the relative merits of making a Dutch girl achieve orgasm vs. having melted frozen goods on the floor of the downstairs corridor.

The following conversation went something like this:

[Girl] oh god i love this... i'm so close... keep going, keep going!
[ILB] ...brb?
[Girl] hb hb
[Girl] please!


I half ran, half flew, down the stairs, having hastily pulled on the pyjamas that I'd only just taken off. The entire corridor was loaded up with goods of all types and, trying hard to ignore the raging erection I had going on, I attempted to pack the things away at superspeed, starting with the freezer bags, then the 'fridge ones. Ten minutes later and I was left with just the dry goods, but that would take even more minutes, and I was needed elsewhere. Rationalising to myself the fact that dry goods don't need to go into refridgeration at all, I left them where they were, and Billy Whizzed back up to my bedroom and into my computer chair and...

[ILB] Back! Are you still here? I'm so sorry!
[Girl] still here, now keep going!
* ILB grasps at your shoulders, planting a small kiss on the nape of your neck as he slowly eases his smooth, hard penis back into you, feeling himself throb and pulse as you...


...you get the idea.

As she was busy in the bathroom having orgasms, I heard the front door open and close again.

"Oh! You've put the Ocado stuff away!" said my mother as I appeared at the top of the stairs to see if the house-elves had done the rest for me. "But you've left the non-perishable things here! Why's this?"
"Well, I was halfway through it," I lied smoothly. "I was just coming back downstairs to do the rest."
"Why did you go back upstairs in the first place?"

There was a pause.

"Bathroom?"
"Bathroom?"
"Yes... that works! I mean, uhm, she had to... she had to go to the bathroom and I..."
"Sorry?"
"Me! I had to go the the toilet and that's why I went back upstairs and now I'm back and I'm ready to put the rest of the food away and I'm just about to do that and I will do that now and then I'll go back upstairs because I'm certain that at one point I'll have to go to the toilet again and I'd need to be upstairs to do that and there's nothing suspicious about that at all!"
"No, it's okay, you've done most of it, I'll do the rest," said my dad, who I hadn't noticed until that point.
"OK, bye!" I said, doing a Mario long-jump back into my bedroom.

[Girl] phew!
[ILB] Are you all right?
[Girl] better! i had a great orgasm, how about you?


"Do you want some tea?" came my dad's voice from somewhere outside my door.

[ILB] Yeah, me too! One of the best!

Because, if anything, I do so hate to disappoint.

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