Tuesday, 8 December 2015

In all honesty, though, I just want to get laid...

I usually read Metro on Thursdays. It's the best of the freesheets they hand out in London (ShortList notwithstanding, and in any case, it's a magazine) - not that that means it's much good - but if I'm travelling into London on Thursdays, I'll go and pick it up, due to the sex column.

Before you start gathering pitchforks and torches, I don't actually think it's that good a column. Lackadaisical comments either advising a person to see a sex therapist, be tougher and emotionless, or question the entire foundation of their relationship. A group of sex bloggers could write a better weekly column (and, brutally honestly, we probably should!). At one point, I felt compelled to write in offering some of my own advice, and my (edited) tweet ended up on the page itself, garnering a small spike in readers.

Hey, whatever works...

In any case, the first thing I flick to isn't the sex column; it's Rush-Hour Crush. Since I was spotted once in its spiritual predecessor, thelondonpaper's "Lovestruck", I've been wondering if a repeat performance is at all possible, as if anyone would pick out ILB from the 8.6 million Londoners there are milling about. I'd imagine many people reading Metro do the same.

And then last week there was something like this (from memory, I don't have the paper to hand):

[Description of person]. I work in a bed store; I'd like to see if yours is up to scratch.

Cue a glorious vision in ILB's head of a hot girl with pink hair and glasses underneath an average-looking bloke, a wide grin on her face as he thrusts repeatedly into her, having found that his bed is, indeed, of the best quality. It is, without a doubt, that sexiest thing I've ever read at that moment in time, and I'm staring at that brief quote, and all its straightforward, forthright ballsiness - hardly innuendo, and certainly not asking for a drink - like a worshipper at a shrine.

And the multitude of possibilities that await that man, should he spot it and shoot off a reply...

Although, with the state my current bed is in, any indication of comfort is likely to catch my attention.

Hugs, anyone?

No comments: