Saturday, 26 December 2015

Fa la la la la, la la la la

[Lights up on a scene in the KITCHEN. ILB is grazing at a selection of cheeses, biscuits and desserts on the table. This is his third or fourth helping (he has lost count). His OLDEST COUSIN is there too, as is HER HUSBAND, although their baby - the newest addition to the family - is not there.]

COUSIN: Are these things vegetarian?

[She gestures at a plate of what looks like Scotch eggs.]

ILB: Yes, they're savoury eggs. Try them, they're nice. How are you feeling, anyway?
COUSIN: Tired, but then I haven't had any sleep for a few months.

[SISTER enters the room, talking raucously with COUSIN WITH LARGE BREASTS, about whatever it is they talk about.]

SISTER: Are there crisps here?
ILB: Pringles over there, although I don't know what flavour they are.
SISTER: [reading from the cylinder] They're barbeque beef, and I think they're... yes, they're vegan!
ILB: Vegan? Load me up, girl!

UNCLE: [entering from stage right and seeing COUSINS 1 and 2 there] Imagine being vegan and a baby at the same time [indicating COUSIN 1] - it'd be very difficult!
ILB: My friend was brought up a vegetarian and she didn't have any meat in the womb either.
UNCLE: Yes, but as a baby you drink breast milk, and that isn't vegan...

[There is a pause.]

CWLB: ...I'm not sure that's right. As far as I can see it, vegan ethics are about stopping the exploitation of all other animals. I don't think voluntary human produce counts, like mothers' milk.
SISTER: So if you eat other bits of humans...?
CWLB: That's not quite what I meant, but...!
ILB: I'm not entirely sure Hannibal would self-identify as vegan, to be fair. But I understand what you mean.
UNCLE: I suppose it's an interesting thought, as to consuming human produce and whether that's vegan or not. I suppose mothers' milk is a good example.

[A beat.]

ILB: I can think of another one.

[Another beat, after which SISTER and CWLB look at each other. They click after a few seconds.]

SISTER / CWLB: Ooooooooooooooooooooooh!

[ILB has left the room by this point...]

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