Friday, 30 October 2015

I'd rather be a poly than a toff

I'm not poly, but I think my dreams are.

This isn't a one-off occurrence. I once had a dream in which my cousin was in a poly relationship with Lightsinthesky, but I don't even want to consider that. She's just had a baby and I'm very pleased it isn't his. No... I'm talking about last night.

In which I dreamed that I was planning to get married to the girl I had a crush on in university, while still being in a relationship with Jilly (there was naked Blacksilk in it as well, but I'm not sure what the significance is there), although - to be fair - the implication was that I was getting fake married to her for... whatever reason, it's not like she needs citizenship, she's a British aristocrat. Perhaps not my brain dredging up some long-lost or secret desire or something else.

And, you know, lots of casual nudity.

The poly lifestyle is something I've never had conflicted feelings about. I understand the concept (I even drew a diagram once); I have no problems with it; it's not for me. YLASRBLINMLASRBLBYLASRBLIOK, as they say. I've known people - both inside and outside the sex-positive community - who are in healthy polyamorous relationships and it's great to see this sort of thing working out for them (as it is with any sort of relationship, frankly). Despite whomsoever Dreamy Luigi ILB is going to marry, however, it's not my cup of tea, which is fine. Still with me so far? Good.

What I do have a problem with is the misuse of polyamory for one's own personal gain. Lots of sexual things are used for this - bits of porn are branded "abusive" and used as ammo by radfem campiagners. People trafficking statistics are interpreted as proof by SWERFs. BD/SM was misinterpreted and turned into gloopy dross by EL James and a slew of copycat authors. Being pounded in the butt by... no, let's leave that one, let's just not go there. Some accuse polyamorists of being selfish, or slutty, or indecisive, or cheaters. They are none of those things.

My first relationship ended with being cheated on. We know this. What we may not know is that, shortly after reading The Ethical Slut, my then-girlfriend had a sort of epiphany moment (in her words, "I thought I was polyamorous"), and started sleeping with a few different people - one in particular, which is who she ended up with - all without telling me, or even broaching the subject. She also had a semi-slutty, semi-poly friend (again, her words) - who I'd quite like to get into contact with now I mention her; I just forget her full name - whose glamorous appearance and sexual escapades appealed. She just "forgot" to tell me.

Cheating, I know, and not at all representative of the poly lifestyle. This did, however, put a bit of a blemish on the concept for a while, and although there wasn't a problem per se, I didn't really participate in any discussions about it, even though they were becoming increasingly frequent as the internet became more and more of a source of sex and relationships discourse. I was worried that what had happened to me would cloud my judgement, and so I (wisely, I think) stayed out of broaching the topic, until a bisexual poly friend of mine ended his relationship and wanted to talk to me about it.

I'd like to think I handled the conversation with consideration and grace, although I'm pretty sure I just ended up talking about how inappropriate tickling in bed was.

And so when I'm placed in more than one relationship in my dreams (and, before you ask, yes - it has happened before, I remember one of about ten years ago), it makes me feel uncomfortable not because of the concept, but because it's me, and it's not My Thing. Only last night's dream ended a little prematurely, and I'm a bit annoyed at that. Why? Well, because the main relationship I was in was the one I already am in; 47 was there and I miss him; naked Blacksilk; getting fake married looks kind of fun and I like a party...

...and there was food.

Now that's My Thing.

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