Sunday, 4 October 2015

How To Masturbate Like a Horse on Steroids
A Guide for Lads

from

❤️ The Ultimate Male Sex Blog, Honest ❤️


Coming soon:
 - YouTube video of me reading this post out verbatim
- List of reasons why I know more about sex than everyone else in the world
- How to win a lock of my hair
- "Dear Glod please vote for me on Kinkly!" button

 Okay, so here's how I masturbate. Obviously, this is the only way to do so, so read this word for word and do exactly what I do, because this is the ultimate masturbation manual. I've had sex a few times, so clearly I'm the one who knows. Aren't you lucky that I'm sharing my worldly knowledge with you?

So what you need to do is this:
1. Masturbate
2. Er...
3. ...that's it.

I don't actually care how you masturbate. It doesn't matter to me what your gender, sexual orientation or preferred pronoun is. I don't know the methods you use to masturbate and, were I not as curious as I am, I probably wouldn't want to know (because, really, it's none of my business). It makes no difference to me whether or not you use an implement or just your fingers; I'm not keeping a tape measure at the ready in order to measure how far your cum flies or a super-absorbent paper towel to see how wet you are.

I'm fairly certain that you may have masturbated more than once. It's not likely that you've done it the same time on every single occasion. You may have done so hunched in a darkened corner of your bedroom [my amazing guide is here]; or possibly lying on your back [my incredible guide is here]; in a public place because you are a daring rebel [my guide is here, it kicks arse]; before looking at yourself in the mirror [do you want to know how? here's a guide!] or with Olympian results [ZOMG! GU1DE!!!!].

But if it works, then that's how to masturbate.

I have friends who talk about masturbation as something quick - an illicit fumble once or twice a day (certain young ravers set times for it, so I hear). Some people take a lot of time over it, spending entire afternoons making love to themselves, getting to know their body intimately and very au fait with what works. There are those who hold off for a while and then have explosive orgasms until their entire existense dissolves into a gentle hum of low-level pleasure. Some people don't do it at all.

AND THAT'S WHAT MASTURBATION IS.

Because it's entirely, uniquely, totally, completely, and ultimately your call.

I just wish I had more time to do it myself!

1 comment:

SexyLittleIdeas said...

Haha this is great. The world's first male masturbation guide.