Sunday, 13 September 2015

Review: Wireless Armour

Richard Branson describing a product as "underpants for superheroes" really does give you a lot of insight into things: one, that superheroes wear pants too (often on the outside, as I'm sure you know); two, that Richard Branson uses Americanisms in his quotes, when (as a British inventor) he should have actually said "pants". I'll forgive him for that, as he probably doesn't know what this product actually is. I'm wearing it right now, so I can tell you.

Wireless Armour is marketed as underwear for men, integrating a fabric called "Radiatex" (which, in
layman's terms, is a mixture of cotton, polyester and silver - yes, actual silver, 35%), which is designed to block "more than 99.9%" of the electromagnetic radiation emanating from things we use a lot, like Wi-Fi enabled computers, mobile 'phone signals, Bluetooth, microwaves, and that leaky nuclear reactor core I've got lying about in my back garden. The idea, as the multitude of buff male torsos on the website will show you, is for the pants themselves to be stylish and comfortable while protecting your testicles from dangerous electromagnetic radiation, which can kill sperm and thus reduce your fertility.


With added garden table.
My pants came in a little plactic packet inside another little plastic packet, complete with bumph about its ball-protecting capabilities and washing instructions (Wireless Armour pants are machine washable, but only if your machine is gentle, as they're "high tech kit"). Upon further inspection, I found the pants to be a vaguely triangular garment, made with three holes in the fabric - two smaller holes for each leg, and one larger one which fits around your hips or waist, or trouser belt, if you happen to be John Major.

The first thing I noticed about these pants is that, although they look quite good, they don't actually feel that nice. I was a little worried, upon inspection, about how these - big as they were - would be able to accommodate my bulky frame, wide hips and UNUSUALLY LARGE PENIS. Most of my pants are elasticated around the waist, and so stretch to whatever size is needed. Wireless Armour works on the same design, only the elastic doesn't actually appear to be that stretchy, so the pants felt unusually tight, even on my otherwise-naked body. Even now, with the rest of my clothes on, I am still very "aware" that I'm wearing pants - which isn't really something I want to be concentrating on.

I initially found it difficult to decipher where to put these things on.

Every now and again, the pants appear to be riding slightly down my bum, meaning that a pleasant breeze blows down my arse crack. I don't know if this is a feature or not. I doubt it has anything to do with fertility.

In any case, these do go on, and they stay on, so in terms of pants, they do the job well enough. You can't actually feel the silver in the Radiatex material, but it is there, to provide protection from pathogenic bacteria, ambush by wild Pokémon for 200 steps, and werewolves, in addition to spermicidal radiation. Silver particles in fabrics do tend to get washed off after a while, but these pants are designed to keep the precious metal in place.

However, the main feature of the pants - and effectively what they are marketed for - is the increase in fertility as a result of the silver mesh blocking out harmful electromagnetic waves. I've been wearing these pants for about ten hours now and still haven't made anyone pregnant. Without any indications to the contrary, I wouldn't call that a success!

For all that Wireless Armour has to offer, I'm totally at a loss as to whether or not to recommend these things or not. You can get a multipack of pants from Marks & Spencer for the same price as one of these bad boys, and although they don't have fancy argentous material with a nebulous name for promotional purposes, they're probably a lot more comfortable and elasticated, and fit more snugly around your hips. I've got briefs from when I was 14 which give my penis more space to move around in. And there's absolutely no way to actually test the "fertility" thing without applying SCIENCE, to which I have no access as a home reviewer.


[TL;DR? They're pants.]

Wireless Armour pants are available directly from the manufacturers for prices ranging from £24 to £35. 
I was provided with a Medium-sized black pair for my honest review.

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