Wednesday, 2 September 2015

Be opened by the wonderful...

May your mind be wide open
May your heart beat strong
May your mind's will be broken
By this heartfelt song

It's 4:30 in the morning and I'm in the bathroom, cursing the world in agony and wondering what I've done to deserve such pain and torment. Thirty-five minutes later, I'll return to my bed, lie down and let out a sound halfway between a grunt and a scream, and scurry back to the bathroom. The girl in the flat opposite mine, whose window is next to that of the bathroom, has been complaining about the light. I've let the blind down, lest it happens again.

And so on and on the mazy dance goes.

It hasn't been a good week so far, with so little to do and yet so much in potentia. Good things happen, like finding the energy to clear one of the boxes and bags still cluttering up our flat (we have too much stuff). Bad things happen, like buying a dessert in a little ramekin which shatters into pieces, embedding shards of clay into the cream. And then there's the period of dead space, where I lie hovering somewhere near sleep - just not exactly sleeping due to the music from next door. Silence comes when morning breaks and then I notice it's much later than I thought it was.

I need my solace and I need my silence and it doesn't come. Its presence is not felt, not even in the bathroom, where I am alone with my pain.

I take my solace in "I love you."

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. I say it over and over and over again, like a mantra. In my head and on my lips. In my crotch as my cock fills with blood and throbs. In my hands as they squeeze tightly, feeling the warm soft skin under my touch. I love you, I think. I whisper. I scream.

In so many ways, it's all I have. I can love... and I do. I do it very easily. It's what I do. Saying it - just reminding the world (and myself, of course) that I love keeps me grounded. Keeps me sane. Reminds me of who I am and of what I am capable. I can say "I love you" and mean it.

Really mean it. Regardless of who I'm saying it to, whether or not I'm saying it to anyone. It runs around and around in the back of my mind, ready to be unleashed. At any opportunity.

I love you.

In all honesty. I really, really do.


Sati said...

Not to be a catastrophiser or anything, but this post makes me slightly worried. Are you ok? I expect all is fine and I simply don't have the context, but...are you?

Innocent Loverboy said...

Someone as lovely as you can hardly be blamed for lack of context.

To be fair, you're right - I'm not OK. I mean, I'm coping, but so much has happened recently in such a short space of time and I'm a little overwhelmed - think "breathing space" if you want to use that metaphor, it's about as close as you can get.

But at the moment, I'm all right - everything is quiet and I'm able to relax a little on my own. There's just a lot of mess and noise and heat otherwise and it can be a little too claustrophobic, and that isn't something I cope too well with.

Oh, I thought of you (among all the other times I think of you... *ahem*) the other week, by the way, as my parents drove me past St Albans.

Sati said...

Hah, still alive and kicking here in St Albans. I was expecting to have moved by now, but getting a house in shape to sell is a slow process. Plus I'm about to start a new job, so that'll keep me here a while longer.

I guess "OK at this moment" is the best we can hope for sometimes. Still, if you need anything, do drop me a line. I'm trained to listen* and everything!

And danke, for the compliment. I should get that on a plaque for my wall. "I'm lovely, ILB says so!" :)


*Probably the crappest superpower ever, but what can you do?