Sunday, 9 August 2015

Soft Porn Sunday: Lisa Meagan & Robert McRay (and... Charles Martinet?)

You may well be asking yourself some things.

"Why would anyone even think of electing David Cameron?" comes to mind, as well as "what the heck was I eating last night?", "why aren't Black Widow and Hawkeye on the DVD cover of Avengers: Age of Ultron?" and "seriously, what exactly is the alto clef for?". They're all valid questions, for which I have no answer. I may as well be asking "what are Mario and Luigi saying when they banter in Italian during Mario & Luigi: Dream Team Bros.?".

I could get the answer to that one - I'll just ask Charles Martinet, voice actor of Mario and Luigi.

I'm sure I can find him. I mean, he's right here, in soft porn.

Appearance: Compromising Situations, Series 2: "Vegas" (1995)
Characters: Mark & Marsha

Okay, pull your trousers back up before you start getting too excited about the thought of Luigi in soft porn. Charles Martinet doesn't actually have sex in the one episode of Compromising Situations he appears in; it's set in Vegas, and I'm guessing he's one of the complementary "old man who doesn't have sex" characters. One of the actors to appear in this episode is dead, so that gives you the idea of the age bracket. I'll grant you the fact that Charles Martinet probably looked younger twenty years ago, but I'm willing to go to Vegas to bet that he's not this guy:


Yahoo!

This is Mark, played by Robert McRay, who appears in a lot of episodes, always credited as "Robert Ray", which sounds like a superhero name (and, in any case, it's better than "Mario Mario"). He's here to have sex twice, once with his girlfriend Marsha (Meagan, who only appears once in Compromising Situations), who dumps him afterwards.

Harsh.

Feeling drained (I'm sorry), he takes to plumbing the depths (I'm so sorry) of Las Vegas in order to clear
Dry Dry Desert
the blockage (oh God, I'm sorry) in his mind and not have to spend the rest of his life cleaning his pipe (Jesus H. Corbett, make me stop!). He ends up tapping (aaaaaaargh!) Carol (Susan Dossetter), who I suppose he's married to - well, it is Vegas - because the camera pans to a ring on her finger in the final shot... that's not a spoiler, you're never going to find this anywhere. As such, he has two sex scenes.


Which is the average for a half-hour episode, except you usually get three in Passion Cove or Bedtime Stories and I seem to remember Compromising Situations being the same. Maybe there's another sex scene in there with the anonymous bellhop character also not played by Charles Martinet. I can't find one, if there is. But I digress.

Mark's first scene, with Marsha, is the hotter scene. Notice how I said hotter, not hot. It isn't really too arousing, really; I just think Lisa Meagan is more attractive. McRay is completely vacant throughout, so it falls to the participating actress to carry the scene forwards, which she does - albeit mostly through gurning while kissing him, riding him and ignoring the vast expanse of terrible skin the camera pans across. Well, I'm ignoring it - I'd expect she is as well.

Here we go!
There's not much else to this - she's on top and bouncing a bit, but very slowly and with incredibly perky nipples which are impossible to miss. There's some very bland and uninspired piano music with a drum machine behind it, which may well be coming from the CD player cunningly put in as a prop. It's not terrible, not really; it's just missing something, and when the synth plays in you realise that this music should really be in a swimming level of a video game, rather than a sex scene.

Please tell me they thought of that... it'd make me so happy...

In any case, there's then a brave stab at missionary, only they get that wrong too - he's just kissing her; I mean, I presume he's on top, but they're only showing his top
"Spaghetti... Ravioli..."
half and her face, so it's not really something you can tell. In most titles, missionary sex is depicted by showing the whole couple, her legs wrapped around his back or at least open - here, it's just... kind of... not shown. Yes, there are kisses. (Couples kiss during sex, who knew?) But I'd like a bit more skin in my skin flick!


I actually think the best bit is the end, with the dialogue (it's overdubbed in the clip you can watch here, although they've left the English in too, so you can kind of filter what they're saying with your ears...). There's no sex happening, but at least you've got both characters topless and talking, so you get a bit of plot. It hardly makes up for the mediocre sex scene, but at least they're naked.


So long, eh, Bowser?
This scene encapsulates perfectly what my problem is with a lot of mid-'90s soft porn. They were making so much of it then, and a lot of it's really good. This sort of scene is lazy. It's so middle-of-the-Rainbow-Road that I've not much to say about it. Lisa Meagan is very pretty; I like her hairstyle. That's... basically... it.

And, what's more, this is goodbye sex. She, at least, knows it is. If I were her, I'd be putting more effort into having great sex before saying ciao, so at least you have something to go out on!

But I can't blame the characters for this, or even the actors. It's not even that poorly directed. It's just slightly limp scripting and a totally forgettable sex scene, and what's worse, it's the better of two, with the other scene later in the episode even slower and less watchable.

But I suppose that's forgivable. If I had Mario and Luigi in my studio, I'd hardly be paying attention to what's happening on camera either.

I hope that's an acceptable answer your question: "how does ILB choose which scenes to review?". Right on the button!

Oh God, I'm really very sorry!

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