Sunday, 28 June 2015

The Con is On

"But, but, but, but..."
"Yes?" enquired Esque.
"I'm not overly keen on lesbians," I admitted, trying to surreptitiously hide the copy of Hustler that 47 had bought for me in the sex shop. "I prefer straight things - you know, things with male interaction with females..."
"Oh, there will be some things in there with male and female couples," she said.

I had no idea.

Genuinely none. I was 17. I knew the difference between soft porn and hard porn, having seen both. I'd seen plenty of softcore with boy/girl scenes, and a little hardcore, mostly grainy JPEGs on sites with an all-black background and primitive text-based SEO; it hadn't occurred to me, however, that there would be explicit male nudity in a magazine. As far as I was aware, there was absolutely no penetrative sex allowed in the making of porn, and that all hardcore porn had to involve lesbians, because at least there was no penetration.

Of course I was wrong, but I didn't know that. I'd grown up watching pretend sex on cable television and was absolutely astounded to find that one could buy a magazine showing actual penes, erect, and that this was a thing that happened frequently. I hadn't figured that out until 47 bought a copy of Hustler for me in some sort of "here, have a wank" effort.

Two weeks later I went on holiday to Manchester. Esque was there, as were Farm Boy and the guy with the massive penis, among others. There was also my copy of Hustler, which I don't think I'd taken from my bag since I got it, lest my parents find it and think I was more of a sick degenerate than they probably already thought I was. Nevertheless, I took it to Manchester - well, that, and the pack of erotic playing cards that 47 (or possibly Esque) had also bought; I seem to remember playing poker with them at some point.

The magazine remained unopened for the first few days. I mean, I knew I had it with me: I'd just no idea what to do with it. I was curious, but had never actually read any of it for fear of seeing erect penes and much lesbian sex (I never found out if there was any of either). But there was one guy who was annoying me, and his bunk was next to mine. Halfway through the week, I devised the perfect revenge scheme.

He removed his duvet that night to find some porn on his bed.

Wicked cackle.

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