Sunday, 21 June 2015

Soft Porn Sunday: Melina Hanson & Anthony DeVilla (vs. Keri Windsor)

It's been a long time since my first ever Soft Porn Sunday and, accordingly, it's taken me long enough to get to this scene, which is from the same episode in the same series featuring the same characters and probably should have been done earlier in the sequence.

As if there's a sequence. I now choose these by pointing indiscriminately at the screen like Andy from Little Britain and thinking, "there, that'll do."

One of the tropes of soft porn is that, every now and again, two characters will be indulging in hot
Dude! There's a scorpion on your arm!
and heavy action while another character "just happens" to be watching. The princess watches in Dungeon of Desire, the jilted ex watches in The Best Revenge, the student watches in The Sex Files: Creating the Perfect Man, and Haffron's crew watch absolutely everything through rejected Virtual Boy prototypes alien technological VR headsets in Emmanuelle in Space. In this episode, said trope is wheeled out more than once, and gives our peripheral character a chance to rub herself around a bit, in some sort of "LOL more tittilation RN'T U LUKY" effort.


But who cares about her? I like the two main leads a lot more...

Appearance: Passion Cove, Series 2: "Practice What You Preach" (2001)
Characters: Ruth & Nick (and Elizabeth)

I didn't really go into the plot in any great detail last time, so here it is: Dr. Elizabeth Henning, one of those fake doctors who writes relationship help books, is taking time to "relax" before a self-congratulary masturbatory book tour, so she's going to Passion Cove along with three others: Win (Brad Bartram - yes, his name actually is Win; no, he isn't an East Asian character, it's just a ridiculous character name), Ruth (Melina Hanson) and her boyfriend Nick (Anthony DeVilla).

And the options are:
1. Dragons attack and Daenerys turns up to lead them away
2. Elizabeth wakes up in a mysterious room and GLaDOS offers her some cake
3. Nick has to rescue his little sister by traversing the witch's lair with Ruth in his backpack
4. Win and Elizabeth end up having sex

Place your bets now!


See? She's tiny!
But that's not important to Ruth and Nick. Nick's more concerned with showing up, late to the party, completely topless(for no discernable reason whatsoever) and jumping Ruth's bones the second he does so.

As Nick's already topless, we don't get a mass disrobing scene. Ruth's pretty much naked all the time - I'm not even sure if she owns any clothes - and Nick's wearing Remov-O-Matic Jeans - so we start right away (after the necessary "Ruth, darling! You look beautiful!" dialogue) with oral sex, with Ruth on her back and Nick getting stuck in, followed by a kiss, with Ruth on her back and Nick getting stuck in, and then some licks on the body, with Ruth on her back and Nick getting stuck in...

...well, girls love a cheerful giver, so I'm told...

before he takes his jeans off (he doesn't appear to be wearing pants) and she fellates him.

[Upon which point ILB pauses and reflects upon the difference in size between the two participants. While Nick is of average build, Ruth is tiny - short, slim and redheaded - to the point where a tattoo that would be relatively small on a normal person takes up a large portion of her back.]

Because you're worth it.

[ILB also then reflects upon how he himself has never had a sexual encounter with anyone taller than he is, how being six feet tall contributes to this, and how much easier it is to 69 someone when there's a height difference. He then realises he's talking in the third person and decides to stop being so pretentious.]

After exactly one minute of these shenanigans, they roll around on bed for about a second - seriously
Hugging. With style.
- before Ruth decides she wants to take charge and flips him onto his back so she can ride him in the reverse missionary position - which she does, with gusto - before pushing herself up to full-on astride and really going for it. Nick, for what it's worth, seems to be enjoying all this revelry, taking part insofar as it's possible to take part with your miniscule girlfriend full of your cock...


...at which point Elizabeth, played by Keri Windsor, walks past, notices there's sex going on, removes her towel and starts fondling her own boobs.

Uhm... okay, Elizabeth. Whatever works for you.

The rest of the scene bounces back and forth like a sexual Wimbledon. Ruth and Nick go at it, Ruth in particular appearing to own a pair of youthful piston-powered hips; Elizabeth rubs and touches herself; Ruth and Nick; Elizabeth; Ruth and Nick; Elizabeth. There isn't even an orgasm scene, just a kiss between Ruth and Nick with Elizabeth slinking off having reclaimed her towel from the floor. It's implied - through a mix and fade to white - that the sex is carrying on, which is fine. The next time we see Ruth and Nick, they're also having sex, so... yeah.

Reunions, eh?


"Sounds from next door; someone's getting laid..."
All right, so this is Passion Cove so we know what we're getting: slightly unusual but quite competent camera work - a bit of zooming and angling but not enough to make you seasick - some odd swooshing music but with vocalisations to make it slightly more believable - and a large deal of white: white walls, white bed, white people with (in one case) white hair. Even the music feels white. It's a formula that's worked for a while so there's no reason to change it, and while the voyeuristic not-watching-honest bit isn't really necessary, it's kind of fun, even though it's totally obvious what's going to happen.

This is, in fact, one of my favourite scenes - a staple of my soft porn addiction since university, and
...interesting d├ęcor.
something I've seen at least twice on TV - and it's almost guaranteed to make me hard. Ruth and Nick are both attractive people (Melina Hanson, frankly, is absolutely stunning and one of the characters I write about is physically very similar to her) and, although there's not a lot of characterisation in them, their sexual performance is one of the best - it's fast, it's frantic, and it's hot. I'm not sure I find Keri Windsor that sexually attractive, but her presence here isn't as distracting as it could be, as (amusing as watching her trying to masturbate in a softcore way may be) we know it's going to cut back to Ruth and Nick every time, and that keeps the sexy going.


All in all, this isn't a scene that makes me groan, or snort in distain, or laugh. This is a scene that makes me come.

And I need that sometimes.

No comments: