Tuesday, 2 June 2015


I read inthe Metro today, that bastion of quality information that the public needs to know (most of the paper was about some dog or another, I wasn't really paying attention), that a woman has been temporarily jailed for having loud sex. [NB: The ASBO that she breached, from a little further investigation on my part, was for excess noise, but the Metro saw fit to put the 'loud sex' bit into the headline, presumably in order to print the word 'sex' in large type. Anyway...]

But that's not how you do it. Surely not. You do it the way my housemate used to do it or the puppet sex scene in Avenue Q or just about any scene from Russ Meyer's sex comedies of the '70s. You do it with reckless abandon, as loudly and as obscenely as you please, because you... oh.

Oh. That's what she was... what she was doing. Uh. Okay.

Or, alternatively, you make no noise at all. Just like last night...

I was between her thighs, my tongue making repetitive laps at her clit while my little finger dipped alternately between her vagina and her anus, not really entering either of them but making a little brush along the length of her perineum each time I switched. She wasn't making much noise, apart from the occasional "ooh, yes!" and, every now and again, "yes! keep doing that! right there, don't stop doing that!". (I got that about five or six times, despite keeping doing what I'd been doing. Nice to have your work praised, right?)

I was fully expecting a loud, messy orgasm. I could feel her approaching one - we had certainly been playing enough - and she was making all the signs. Shaking thighs clenched around my head, clitoris hard like a bullet and throbbing apoplectically under the ministrations of my tongue, vagina wide open with engorged lips, dripping wet and glowing heat everywhere. She was about to come - I could feel it.

And then, all of a sudden, she did. Silently. No sound, not so much as a squeak, just a few deep breaths and a frantic pat to get me away from her pussy, as she writhed and squirmed her way through what turned out to be, as she said afterwards, an incredibly intense orgasm, one that pretty much knocked her out (we both slept well that night, if I recall correctly inasmuch as one can recall sleep).

And not with anything more than a whisper, either.

So, yeah, that's... that's another alternative. If you're looking to avoid an ASBO, perhaps...

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