Three years ago I sat in a large undergound room beneath a restaurant. A few people were drunk and instruments were being played. My glockenspiel was lying on a seat beside me (yes, I play the glockenspiel, what of it?) and I was waiting for my turn. As is the way, I was idly browsing Twitter during a break in the music.
And one of my Twitter friends was livetweeting the sex she was having.
I felt an uncomfortable lurch in my stomach the instant I realised what was happening, and then a heady flow as it cascaded through my nerves to my cock, which I felt steadily growing harder as I scrolled frantically backwards through her tweets to find her earlier ones. Who was she with? Where did she find him? Was she cheating on her boyfriend? She was! Why?
Very few of these questions answered, I read through what had been happening, feverishly, temporaily having zoned out of all that was happening around me. I felt naughty, dirty, devilish even - being partisan to this girl's illicit liaison via my 'phone, from her indivisible glee at the penis filling her up to her subtle hints at what had already happened - and what may be due to happen - leaving me to fill in the blanks in my own head.
Flushed, flustered, fractious, I put my 'phone away, in a bit of a state. Stomach pulsing a vicious tattoo along with my straining erection, I scuttered to the toilet... not to masturbate, but to re-adjust (my turn was coming up, and if there's one thing I love more than filth on Twitter, it's being in the spotlight). It was difficult - I was wearing tight pants - but I managed to juggle my private parts into a slightly more manageable position, albeit having the slight feeling of ecstatic discomfort for the rest of the day to deal with.
It was glorious and torrid at the same time and, oh my, what effect a few simple words can have - turning me from an innocent little glockenspieler into a raging ball of horn, aflame and ready to be unleashed.
This year will be different, I promise.
Because my BlackBerry's Twitter app doesn't appear to be working.