Sunday, 12 April 2015

Soft Porn Sunday: Cadence Calibre & Kevin Patrick

WELCOME TO COLLEGE!

Introducing...

JAMES, the PLAYER!
OPHELIA, the HOTTIE!
FREDDIE, the JOKER!
KAREN, the PARTY GIRL!
LISA, the VIRGIN!
JOSÉ, the NICE GUY!

in...

CO-ED CONFIDENTIAL!

Or, to put it more accurately, the idiot, the hot intelligent one, the black guy, the Asian one, the Latino Catholic one, and the other guy, who may also be Latino but he's only there to be nice.

Take the picture, Snapper.
It's taken me a while to come around to Co-Ed Confidential. As well as the title, which makes it sound more like a crime series than anything else, this is totally unlike what my own mixed-gender university education was - insofar as they're not living on campus, they have seemingly infinite supplies of food and drink, nobody seems to be studying anything at all, and a lot of sex happens, mostly centering around these six students.

They aren't even all meant to be living together. The first episode, "Exposition" "The First Time", has four "freshmen" (freshers?) turning up to the college which has the incompetency to not offer them a room, instead tasking Ophelia (the hot, blonde, sexually active one who wants to succeed) and James (her ex-boyfriend with whom she still has a suspiciously large amount of sex) to renovate what used to be a fraternity house (now there's an American thing) for them all to live in...

...no, wait! Come back! It doesn't all hurt that much, I promise!

Appearance: Co-Ed Confidential, Series 1: "The First Time" (2007)
Characters: Kimberly & James

The main thing about this series, which sets it apart from other glossy smut like Passion Cove,
Whoah! Cover your modesty, Kim!
Compromising Situations or Love Street, is that it's most assuredly a sitcom. The characters are funny, the situations are funny, the script is (genuinely) funny, and although there's a continuous plot running through, it's very loose and each episode is kind of stand-alone. In fact, it's genuinely witty in places - yes, really - and with tongue placed firmly in cheek, it throws six archetypes into a house together and managed to shoehorn in a lot of sex (for that is the purpose), completely unapologetically and in a totally bombastic fashion, simply for the purpose of putting some sex in there.


And this is how you make softcore - don't start with "serious". Go to the other end of the scale and start from there.

Of course, this makes it difficult for me to review a scene, as I'm invariably going to end up watching a load of episodes in a row, and since all the scenes are hot, it's going to make this choice a difficult one. Okay, pass the Kleenex let's go.

The scene I've chosen for this is the first one in the whole thing, because I'm lazy. Uh, I mean, because it sets the tone for the rest of the series - yeah, that'll do. In fact, it's a bit of an anomaly, because one of the characters is James, and he's having sex with someone who is not Ophelia. Despite the character being described as a "player", he doesn't actually sleep around that much - once every few episodes, perhaps, or when there's a spare few minutes - making those few moments a little unique. However, going into this series blind, I had no idea where this scene would go.

It's at a party. Of course it is.

So say hello to our main character, the moderately-attractive-but-with-terrible-tattoos James, and the
Mah thongue hath qhuite thuh repuhtathion.
sweet, sexy, naïve Kimberly, lacking an E in her name but with much better tattoos. She also clearly didn't read the opening credits, believing James to be a virgin simply by virtue of the fact that he says so - "please be gentle; this is my first time, you know." After some simple, slightly muffled dialogue involving removing clothes, he says, "now what do we do?"


"We fuck," Kimblerly replies.

At which point she pushes him back onto the bed and the Blink182-ish punk song in the background (which I hadn't noticed until this point) gets its volume pushed up by the sound guy, and provides the background music for this scene. (It also appears over the closing credits, because why not?)

One of the things I like about Co-Ed Confidential is the fact that they don't miss anything out or shy
Is that a Black Canary tattoo?
away from nudity (à la Black Emanuelle, which seems to think that a train going into a tunnel is sufficient). James and Kimberly engage almost immediately in hot and/or heavy action, be it a kiss which looks genuine, the removal of underwear, or oral foreplay - all of which happens in the first thirty seconds, before we jump cut to sexual intercourse in the sitting position.


Thank you, Glod!


ARM
I've now watched enough of Co-Ed Confidential to know that when actual sex happens it has a pattern, as follows: plenty of movement; sex in one position; sudden increase in speed resulting in some sort of pneumatic drill-style sex; something which both looks and sounds like an orgasm but actually isn't; cut to sex in another position; back to step one, repeat. In this scene, there are two of these cycles, accompanied by a few moans and the like, but (more realistically) giggles from Kimberly - what, don't you laugh during sex? - the sitting-together position followed by something approaching the spoons position. Both of which end in speed approaching the maximum...

...slow down, James! This isn't a race!

...before it's kind of, sort of, brought to an end with some more dialogue.

"Not bad for your first time," she says, clearly ignoring the fact that he's just proved incredibly clearly that this is not his first time. He replies with some weird suggestion that they do it again - maybe he's taken one of those pills from the toilet vending machines - but then Ophelia walks in. Banter ensues and they break up - "about five seconds ago," as James puts it, before running out into the hallway naked and finding the Dean standing there.

And so the series goes on, with the next sex scene happening less than five minutes on.


He's totally a virgin.
So why have I become a slight aficionado of this series, when I've just made it sound predictable? Well, maybe the fact that it is predictable helps. The two leads are okay - nothing special (apart from Ophelia's glorious British accent), but you know all along that James and Ophelia will end up together, so why not show them having sex a lot? As for the other four characters, well, they all have their charm; Karen is seriously hot, Freddy has his merits although I haven't seen any yet, and the budding romance between Lisa and José is genuinely very sweet. And, of course, it's an American show set in college so everyone in the whole thing is unbelievably attractive.

But they're clearly not going for realism here - they're having fun, and so am I; I can watch an episode of this with a cup of tea and have a laugh and an orgasm in under half an hour.

Speaking of which...

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