Friday, 20 March 2015


I clicked open the window and pinged my way into the chatroom, upon which I found Louise and the couple who had yet to meet in real life waiting for me. Ever tardy, it doesn't stop the fact that this was my idea; Louise and I were heading for a relationship that didn't actually happen, and these two - who would meet in real life the following day - would keep going for years, on and off. One of them has an UNUSUALLY LARGE PENIS.

Oh no, wait, that's me. I have an UNUSUALLY LARGE PENIS. This guy is HUNG LIKE A LANCASHIRE DONKEY. (This is, of course, apocryphal - I've never seen it, even when we ended up playing Strip Poker and he took all his clothes off.)

I digress.

My idea was that we would hang out in the chatroom and... well, chat. Louise had other ideas: namely, that there would be confessions. I assume that what she was expecting was an admission of cybersex - both between them on MSN, and between us over IRC. But neither of them confessed anything, even though the guy with the massive penis had told me earlier on that cybersex did occur via MSN and that he would freely admit it after a while.

He hasn't mentioned it since.

The subject of porn came up, as it does when you put four teenagers into a chatroom. Louise - always the brazen one (and, incidentally, now a millionaire, so I do occasionally wonder why I didn't marry her) - was quick to admit that she had seen porn - "loads of porn" as she put it. I, of course, had seen a good quantity of porn by that point; all three of us, simultaneously and falsely, stated categorically that we had never ever ever seen any porn whatsoever, leaving her the sole deviant in our sordid little group.

Fast forward a few years and you'll find me lying on a bed in Blackpool while the guy with the huge penis is discoursing loudly with the other guy who knows a lot about sex comedies.

"Carry On Emmannuelle is the worst, of course," said the guy with the huge penis.
"I don't even know why they made that," admitted the laughter-lover, "although it did make it seem more similar to the Confessions series, and those were quite popular."
"Those were funny," I pointed out. "Carry On Emmannuelle isn't."
They both nodded sagely.
"Have you seen the original?"
"Emmanuelle?I" replied the guy with the third leg. "Yeah, I've seen it."
"And then there are all those unofficial ones that came after it," pointed out the VHS-collecting guy. "With Krista Allen in them."

"Ah, yes..."

There was a pause through which the preceding years echoed down the hallway.

So you HAVE watched porn! my brain yelled.

Not that I mentioned it, though. I mean, I couldn't very well tell anyone that I had.

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