Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Hunger

I'm hungry.

This isn't about sexual hunger. I have that occasionally - who doesn't? - but I usually find it relatively simple to deal with, using one of the tried-and-tested methods of "have sex", "masturbate furiously" or "curl up in the foetal position crying until it goes away". Now that I think about it, those may all solve this issue too. I'd make a note of that, had I anything nearby on which to make notes.

I am genuinely hungry and I've been getting hungrier for a while. I've just eaten lunch (sandwich with Camembert in it because I am a classy snob; packet of crisps because I am a lazy slob; orange because... well... because I like oranges) and it still feels as if I haven't eaten for days. I'm sipping coffee as I write this post and, even with some sweeteners and a drop of vanilla extract in it (yes, really), it still tastes of weariness and despair and mot much else.

Oh, the bitter pill of self-delusion.
I don't know why I'm so hungry but I am desperate for nourishment. It's not even like I don't eat a lot - I do. I've had increasing bouts of malaise coupled with a large appetite, eating everything that's put onto my plate because I am fortunate enough to be able to eat and should appreciate that, and this is leading to increasing weight, a reluctance to get out of bed in the mornings and a terrible self-image. Online I can be friendly, flirty, fun and sexy. Offline I spent ages wondering why I'm so hungry and punching myself in the stomach when I look at myself sideways in the mirror.

It's not a good look.

Right now I just want something to eat. Something more to eat. I don't care what it is as long as it's vegetarian friendly and tastes good. I bought peanut butter the other day for this very occasion and I can't go next door and make some toast on which to spread it, for fear that my parents (who are in the room) will accuse me of wanton gluttony. Which it isn't. It's just hunger.

I am hungry.

And I am unsatisfied.

And I am sure that the two are connected.

Or even if they aren't, it helps to think that... doesn't it?

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