Lightsinthesky once decided, on my behalf, that I had a girlfriend. The girl in question (my friend-who-is-a-midwife, if you were wondering) was unaware of this, and remains unaware. It was news to me, as well. I've never shown any attraction towards my friend-who-is-a-midwife, other than, y'know, being a friend. Lightsinthesky begged to differ.
I've still little to no idea how this came to be. I had a crush - as I tended to do along with EVERYONE ELSE THAT AGE - and Lightsinthesky, despite me telling him that he didn't know who she was, made a snap decision to settle on a person he barely knew with a memorable name. (His explanation? The only clue I'd given him was "colour". My friend-who-is-a-midwife's surname is the same as a kind of soup. Soup "is a colour", according to Lightsinthesky. You couldn't make it up.) And, somewhere along the line, this developed into a girlfriend. He told someone, who then told everyone else. I remained oblivious until the following week.
"Hey, ILB. I hear you have a girlfriend," said a portly boy whom very few people liked.
"Yeah. Lightsinthesky told me who she is. Cool, bro."
Then he just kind of wandered off.
Another few days before it happened again, this time in Science class.
"Sir! ILB's got a girlfriend!"
"I see. And I don't care."
"I haven't!" I interjected, irritated now. "I wish I had but I haven't! I don't know where this story has come from!"
"Her name's [...]," proclaimed the portly boy.
"She's an old friend," I exclaimed with the patience of a saint. "She's not a girlfri..."
"I've run a race against her once!" interrupted one of my irritatingly cheerful friends. "She's a very good runner!"
"Yes, I'm sure she is, but..."
"And she's very friendly!"
"Yes, I know she is, but..."
"And her name is a bit like a soup!"
"Yes, I know it is, but..."
"Have you tingzed her?"
I'm still unsure as to the meaning of the verb "tingz". I'm aware of "ting" (things), "tang" (food and drink) and Tian Tian (a panda in Scotland). I believe it has something to do with tongues, à la "lipz". North London slang is weird.
In any case, this continued for a few weeks until I actually did go on a first date with someone completely different. And, in this case, it didn't take long until Lightsinthesky printed out her picture and carried it around in his trenchcoat pocket.
Just for proof this time.