Monday, 23 February 2015

...wash your hands.

In between my first and second years of sixth form I got a blowjob from a girl. It was awkward, in the end, but I enjoyed it at the time.

A week or so later I was walking past Einstein's house when I heard the sound of a cue hitting a pool ball. I curiously moved towards the garage when I heard my name being called, so headed in for a look, whereupon Lightsinthesky (pool cue still in hand) informed me that he had lost his "flashing V" while on holiday that year, with someone that I don't think he ever saw again; while this was difficult to believe to begin with, it did start him on a path towards decadence, culminating in an orgy on his living room floor...

...or so he said.

In any case, he rhapsodised lyrically about it while Einstein simply stood there in polite befuddlement. In between uhms and aahs, I decided to point out that, to a point, I'd had sex in the summer holidays too, although it didn't extend past a blowjob. To a complete novice in the whole being-touched thing, though, that was still pretty hardcore.

It would've come out eventually, though, because everything did. Rumours had been circulating earlier in the year that I'd had sex with Louise (she started the rumours), and I had to work hard to dispel them. This was the truth, so I may as well have been brazen about it to Lightsinthesky and Einstein, albeit probably fully in the knowledge that Lightsinthesky would tell EVERYONE. I just kind of assumed that he wouldn't, or something.

He barely mentioned himself having had sex at all after that.

The reason I'm writing this post is that I heard the word "nosh" in conversation recently and I've always had trouble with that word since the following year. I was subjected to a steady flow of gentle ribbing about "knob cheese" - I'm not sure what the joke was, but it was something to do with Babybel wheels constituted entirely from my semen, the sick degenerates - and every now and again, I got a comment (often from Lightsinthesky, but occasionally Man o' War as well) that contained the phrasal verb "(to) give [pronoun] nosh".

I don't understand either. I got a few comments about "the one who gave you nosh" - which, as far as I was aware, meant food, rather than fellatio: this conjured up an image of her cooking up a delicious meal for me, which I don't recall happening. But I still don't know what my friends' deal was - I doubt it was jealousy; Lightsinthesky eventually put it around that my hair could be used for frying chips - until Lightsinthesky himself started going out with Moaner Lisa, which became the New Thing.

Still, at least I learned my lesson there. If you have sex of any kind, never tell anyone.

Especially not in any sort of public forum.

Honest.

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