Sometimes, when it all gets too much, I just need to fuck.
I just don't. Not very often. I wimp out of asking for sex in favour of other pleasurable activities like going to the cinema or having a lie down and a cuddle - both of which are nice, of course; I am something of a fan of the cuddle while lying down, particularly as a sort of therapeutic recovery from whatever it is you're trying to recover from therapeutically. But sometimes I just really, really need to fuck.
It's sometimes manageable. My girlfriend gets tired easily - and, frankly, so do I. I have trouble ambulating, never mind getting out of bed in the morning; I have to pretend people are watching in order to play my guitar otherwise I just won't bother playing; I can both swim and ride a bike but neither of those are happening because I don't feel the need to. I'm just sure, in the back of my head, that I'm being lazy, rather than just tired - if I can stand on my own two feet for twelve and a half hours straight while working, I am perfectly capable of having sex and making it good.
If I kneel on the floor I can give good oral sex without moving anything more than my tongue.
But sometimes I can't cope. It's like a scream in my head, gradually increasing in pitch and volume, taking the burn from elsewhere in my body and turning it into an endless noise, getting louder every time I take a step. I really need some release. I really need to leave my body. I really need to phase out. I need to fuck.
Calm down, I tell myself. Stay calm. You were single for a very long time and didn't have sex for ages. And you coped with that... you didn't have a choice, to be fair. You don't need to fuck. You're just stressed. Or upset. Or overwhelmed. Or misunderstood. You feel bad about yourself, I tell myself. You're trying to prove something. You don't need to prove anything. You know who you are. You know what you can do. You are capable.
But I can't cope with everything.
I can't shut down all the time.
And I can't stop the screaming in my head.