This is the good news.
There was a selection of condoms involved.
This is the bad news.
I don't really like using condoms, and most of the people I've had sex with have been on some sort of alternative contraception via swallowing pills or getting a jab, but needs must, and as my girlfriend suggested using a condom this time for extra security, I dug out my bag and riffled through the contents, drawing out the necessary items and creating:
THE SMÖRGÅSBORD OF CONDOMS!
(Which, in reality, comprises eight different condoms, all probably very similar, but with different packaging. I didn't include the fizzy cola ones by Pasante, which is a terrifying thought.)
Foreplay commenced and orgasms were had - completely by accident, she tells me - and sex was clearly on the horizon, so I asked her to pick a condom. She chose a condom with ribs and dots by Durex, purely because she'd never used a ribbed condom before. I have, but I'm pretty sure I can't remember exactly what it was like.
Well, I know now.
I do understand the concept of a ribbed condom. Well, sort of. I know the slightly rippled effect of the condom and the associated Dalek-style dots are meant to enhance pleasure - a bit like the textured inside of a Fleshlight, although I've never used one of those, either. On account of my slightly desensitised penis, I assumed this wouldn't have much of an impact, but I dutifully rolled it down my shaft - "doesn't it hurt?" she asked; I've never really thought about it - and sex commenced.
Needless to say, having sex for the first time in quite a while, I was pretty energetic. And yet I didn't feel much...
...she did. And apparently it wasn't very pleasant.
I can't say exactly what went wrong, if indeed it did go wrong. Maybe I put it on inside out. Maybe it was a bit of a duff condom. Or maybe it just wasn't very good. But the ribs and dots eventually made their presence known (I couldn't even feel them when I first put it on), and although it didn't really bother me much, it bothered her - and so I can imagine; I wouldn't want something initially smooth and firm suddenly being covered with little bumps inside my vagina either.
I pulled out, tied the condom into a knot and threw it as contemptuously as I could into the bin. Not going to be using one of those again, I reasoned.
And then I suddenly remembered why I stopped using them in the first place.
Let's hope that, the next time, she doesn't choose the one that glows in the dark.