Sunday, 8 February 2015

Soft Porn Sunday: Nikki Fritz & Buck O'Brian

...aka "BAN THIS SICK FILTH!"

Under the recent regulations on video-on-demand-porn by ATVOD, the use of a cane to implement strokes on someone for the purpose of sexual pleasure is banned. No ifs, no buts; whether you agree with this ruling or not, ATVOD makes it very, very clear:

Acts which, if copied by the uninitiated, have the potential to cause injuries more than transient and trifling are extremely unlikely to be acceptable. Only "moderate" pain play is acceptable.

- ATVOD via Myles Jackman

Acts which involve weaponry are also taboo, and as a caning falls under both of those categories, well, it's a very good thing that soft porn isn't video-on-demand, otherwise this would be... you guessed it... banned!!!!!!

Appearance: The Exotic Time Machine (1998)
Characters: Marie-Antoinette & King Louis XIV 

Surrender, for all their faults, can't be accused of not playing with their audience's imagination a bit, even if they do play a bit fast-and-loose with it sometimes. Take this bit of gloss from the late '90s, for example: a time travel epic which manages to shoehorn in pre-revolution France, Chicago under Al Capone, and... erm... Aladdin. All under the guise of trying to save humanity from an alternate future, caused by various meddling in time after an experiment "goes wrong".

"Whoops," as the main character so eloquently puts it.

Gabriella Hall is wondering whether to report this.
Enter Marie-Antoinette, played by Surrender stalwart Nikki Fritz in a ridiculous wig, who is a lot more horny than history lessons (or, in my case, after-school French conversation classes) would lead one to believe. In fact, she is so lustful that she manages to sleep with both her handmaiden Mimi (Tiffany Gonzáles) and lost time-traveller Leon (Joseph Daniels) before getting around to her husband, King Louis XIV (actor Buck O'Brian in an equally ludicrous wig), and even then, she's only doing that to placate him after he caught her making love to Leon.

Okay, that's a lie. I don't know why she's having sex with him. I think they just ran out of plot and had to give Nikki another sex scene, or something. I'm not complaining - she's quite hot. ATVOD may have a different view.

This entire scene has a voyeuristic edge to it (is that banned too?), as it is being watched by female lead Daria (Gabriella Hall, thankfully sans wig). It takes place on the same bed as the previous sex scene with Marie-Antoinette, and it starts with Louis wielding... yes... a cane.

OMGz! CALL THE CENSORS! THIS IS A PERVERTED DEGENERATE FRENCH KING!

He's actually topless as this starts, running the end of his cane over Marie-Antoinette, who appears to
B&
be tied up(!!!) and wearing some sort of fetish gear (well, an open corset and stockings - I assume latex hasn't been invented yet), and she seems to be enjoying it, although for all his blustering about, he's not actually hitting her with it. You know, yet.


Or at all.

Over the next few minutes of sex scene material, the cane (which appears to be more of a riding-crop, which I suppose it is) doesn't actually get a lot of action. There's a little tap of the thigh here and there, but Louis suddenly and inexplicably gets bored and throws it over his shoulder, before freeing an equally bored Marie-Antoinette by hacking at her bonds with his sword and leaping on her. And then the music starts.

There's quite a lot of middle-of-the-road stuff to follow, what with disrobing from the corset and standard kiss-the-thigh oral sex (while managing to keep the wigs on, somehow!), but a lot of it is just Nikki Fritz' head gurning. By the time there's any amount of serious nudity going on, Louis is already gleaming with sweat and doing some sort of leg-related action which I wouldn't find sexy in a month of Soft Porn Sundays, but they both seem to be enjoying themselves, judging by the amount of kissing that follows.

Vagina. Don't say I never give you anything.

Some sort of tribal drum beat chimes in with MOAR COWBELL! as Louis indulges in some superfluous nipple-sucking - they're like little Eiffel Towers already, yer Maj. - followed by her licking his chest for a change. And, to be fair, I actually do like this bit. It's quite sensuous if you can get past the silly makeup, and the music does kind of keep the tension going - adding layers of bass, percussion and strings in sequence to indicate that things are heating up. By the time someone remembered to add the electric guitar riff, I found myself actually quite tense, genuinely wanting these two to have sex - not something I tend to find in scenes with too much build-up.


Stop giggling like that, slave-king.
And then, suddenly, the cane is back!

Only this time she's wielding it, kneeling behind Louis' prone form, but not actually landing any strokes - she sort of chews on it at some point, but we don't see her hitting him much, the film choosing instead to show us a bit of woman-on-back bump'n'grind, which may well be hot, it's just not even sex! Instead of going back to caning, we then mix to doggy style sex without exploring the possibilities here - wasted opportunity, perhaps!

At least the sex is hot: all gripping sheets, gritted teeth and frantic movement, with accompanying guitar stabs like boss music in a Final Fantasy game, with a variety of positions and the time-honoured trope of "keeping your stockings on", which never really gets old. And, although I like Nikki Fritz, I don't suppose Buck O'Brian - despite the goofy name - is that bad either: he's not to my taste physically, but he's certainly trying very hard, so points for that. They kiss to finish off and vanish out of sight as we get a fade to black on the very traditional soft porn candle in the background.

So why use a cane?

It's a serious question - softcore is soft, I'll grant you, but there's nothing in The Rules to say you can't
Om nom nom.
depict kink in it: 1995's I Like To Play Games has both bondage and wax play, and some mild spanking, and nobody seems to question that! There's definitely caning on the cards here, but (apart from a couple of light taps which don't leave any sort of mark) it's mostly used for decoration, rather than as a sex aid. And, more to the point, if Louis throws it away before the sex happens, how does Marie-Antoinette get it back? Does she just have an identical one under her pillow? I think we should be informed.


So, after all that, this wouldn't be a problem at all under ATVOD! There's a cane involved, but there's no actual caning with it, so no problem whatsoever...

... but the wigs?

Ban this sick filth!

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