Sunday, 18 January 2015

Soft Porn Sunday: Holly Sampson & Danny Pape

Did you say pink? I love pink!
An Italian gentleman once told me that, while red is the colour of passion and white is the colour of peace, pink is the colour of love. He stopped talking after that, mostly because he was talking about roses, but also partially because I told him that white wasn't a colour. In order to recover from the subsequent wounds, I thought about this.

I quite like pink - you know, as a concept. I've got a number of pink clothes hidden among my general mulch of grey jumpers that I add to every Christmas, and although it doesn't work in a few different colour combinations, there's something to be said for pink, as long as - you know - you don't use it in anything ever.

Especially backgrounds.

Appearance: Platinum Blonde (2001) - not the one from 1931 by Frank Capra
Characters: Angela & Tony

You know, it's only just hit me why the main character in this piece of candyfloss-flavoured pap (played by former Emmanuelle Holly Sampson) is named "Angela" - I genuinely thought it was just Surrender falling back on its well-worn trick of "pull a random female name out of the ether, there, that'll do." But, no, she's an angel, of sorts, so they've called her Angela. I'd suggest THROKHTAR, HEAVEN'S BRINGER OF DOOMSDAY TIDINGS, but they went with Angela, so I'll stick with that. In any case, she's not just an angel, she's a Cupid - yes, a Cupid, apparently there's more than one; fuck you, established mythology. Her rôle, as apparently dictated by the Judeo-Christian heavenly host but seriously who cares?, is to help people achieve their romantic and/or sexual desires easily... oh, and her homeworld is pink.

Well, I say "homeworld". It's not much of a world, or a home, even; it's just an average-sized bed floating in a sea of pink. From the very start of this film, when the opening credits fade in and out over a weird montage of Angela masturbating aimlessly on her bed while it rotates slowly through the RETINA SHATTERING NEON BACKGROUND, you can kind of tell what this is going to be. So, hey, whatever, let's go.

Get used to it.
Platinum Blonde is a series of little vignettes using Angela and her incredibly arbitrary purpose as an easy wraparound. They all follow the same formula and employ the usual cast of Surrender misfits - Micah Bradshaw, Shannan Leigh, Susan Hale, et ceterl - in unusual situations where sex isn't happening and therefore love isn't happening either. Angela gets "involved", without anyone's permission, and then everything's okay, because banging commences.

So, yeah, anyway, she doesn't have a lot of sex herself, except with Tony (Danny Pape), whose storyline focuses entirely on the fact that he's not confident enough to reveal that he has feelings for someone - it matters not who - and Angela's solution is to have sex with him on her floating bed, because that is certain to cure his every insecurity. At least, I think that's the point. I wasn't really paying attention.

The first thing that catches my attention about this is the music. It's an odd fusion of Muzak with a snare sound on every beat of a 4/4 time signature, with a string bass playing some jazz in the background and a brassy instrument over the top, which makes it sound like whomsoever's playing this has escaped from an early-'90s softcore movie starring Shannon Tweed and decided to pitch in. And for the first half minute or so, the actors have about as much to do as the synth player, who gets about one chord every two bars - there's some casual disrobing and smiles from Sampson and... well, lots of pink, really.

It occurs to me throughout the clothes-off-section that there's a bit of tinsel draped "artfully" across
For Bunny, obviously.
the top of her bed, and that her undergarments also have tinsel attached. And why is this? Is this an attempt to make things look more heavenly, or was this just filmed in a rush immediately following Christmas? It's an odd choice, because it doesn't have a lot of effect, apart from eliciting thoughts about how scratchy the tinsel might be if he decides to kiss her underwear. He doesn't really end up doing that; rather, her lets her sit on him and chews on her nipples for a bit...


...oh, thank Glod the electric guitar player turned up.

BOOM! Exploding shoe!
At one minute thirty since the start of this scene, Angela finally gets Tony's jeans off and gives him one of those soft porn blowjobs which involves more hair than is strictly necessary. Two minutes in and they get down to having sex with her on top. They haven't fully disrobed, though; he's wearing some weird wooden necklace thing (and his watch) and she still has her exploding shoes on (yes, really), but that appears to be no barrier to some fairly middle-of-the-road astride sex, which mixes swiftly into something approaching doggie style (giving us more exploding shoes at one point). It's all rather rudimentary, which makes the following decapitation rather unnecessary.

It took me a while to screencap this, but after a pan upwards, there's a mix to a wider shot, and in the half-second that takes, the pink background (which I think is a Chromakey shot, either green or blue) somehow jumps in front of the aforementioned necklace - SFX have keyed it out a little too early - leaving Tony effectively decapitated by pink.

MIX SHOTS KILL. Just say no, kids.

"Decapitated by pink". Three words I never thought I'd ever have to type in sequence. And probably never will again.

I'm so happy right now.

Anyway, so yeah, there's a small amount of sex to finish off and then a kind of semi-kiss until we fade to black. Yes, to black - not even to pink, which is fully what I was expecting, considering the theme we have going on here. In fact, the last few seconds are the best, as the music score finishes, all the other instruments finish and we get quite a pretty acoustic guitar outro that I'd love to be able to play myself, actually. Really does say something when the music is the most interesting bit about a sex scene.

Very pretty, but there's far too much makeup!
Okay, well, what do I like about this? Well, I like Holly Sampson - she doesn't quite fit the part of Emmanuelle very well, but she's okay as Angela, and this is her only sex scene in the movie, so she gets to do a bit of her patented bump'n'grind, so good for her, I guess - and she's a very sexy woman in her own special way - nice hair, nice smile, well-shaped body. I can't say too much for Danny Pape as I don't know much about him; he looks a bit lost in this scene, really, but then I suppose Tony is meant to be thinking he's dreaming, or something. The sex is nothing special - it's "seen it all before" sex to a massive degree, and would probably only make you orgasm if you'd been building up to it for a while and this was the final push.

But it's not a bad scene. And, although it's executed quite poorly (and, in one case, looks lethal), I quite like the otherwordly element they're trying to bring into this: it's not brilliant, and they could have gone with much more than just pink, but at least they are trying something different, and if you're going to sacrifice your eyes, then there may as well be sex involved.

Holly Sampson was, apparently, one of the women with whom Tiger Woods had sex. I wonder if he, too, is into pink.

Hah, you thought I was going to make a "hole in one" joke there, didn't you? Psych!

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