Monday, 5 January 2015


i do not talk about sex as often as i think about it.

I read through that sentence three times before managing to get the inference. Esque's blogging was perhaps a little more bombastic than what the rest of us were writing in our own LiveJournals, but then it was common knowledge that she'd managed to do what most of us hadn't - she had sex. In fact, she mentioned it, often in a rather blasé fashion:

we had sex last night.

To my slightly younger mind, this was both hot and confusing. I told Esque, although this was a lie, that I wasn't as fixated on sex as most 16-year-old boys were. What I meant was that I didn't masturbate - which was totally true. Esque informed me that she'd been having sex since the age of about 13, that most of her early sexual partners were in their 20s while she was 14, and that half the people in her peer group were sleeping around before sex education happened in their school.

Needless to say, I was dubious. But also possibly a bit jealous.

Okay, really jealous.

Esque mentioned sex enough times to make it exciting, particularly for me (to whom sexual contact of any kind - even kisses - was an unknown quantity), although maybe that wasn't her intention. She never went into graphic detail, as you'll see on the sex blogs these days, but it was what she didn't say that was more tantalising - they had sex. Fill in the blanks, My Brain.

So it was a little confusing to see her say that she didn't talk about sex. She did. The fact that there was probably some sort of mention of sex in every single LiveJournal post (barring a few, which were about suicide) wasn't enough for her. as she put it herself, her "current mood" may change regularly, but her "constant mood" - which she eventually implemented onto the LJ itself - remained at 'horny'.

From that point on, she began to mention sex more often. i really really want sex right now, she said once while watching SATC, really really. About a party she once wrote that at some points i really felt like i needed a penis inside me. (That last one nearly made me pass out the first time I read it.) And, although now I've been a member of a community in which everyone writes openly about sex in every way imaginable (and have done so for over seven years), I still feel the occasional surge of respect for the brazen way she mentioned sex as something she did for fun, with a number of different people, whereas it had been presented to us on my side of the country as something you only ever did twice, to have children, and even then, reluctantly and using seven condoms.

She's since made her LiveJournal private, but those occasional snatches of phrase stay in my mind, like they've been burned there with a firebrand. Ay, but the memory is a strange thing.

Do I need to mention that she now has two children? No, thought not.


Anonymous said...

I hesitate to comment and put you off your stroke, but:

1. I was 14.
2. My partners were generally late teens and a couple were younger than me (always over 16). I was in a serious relationship with a 21 year old when I was 17 and a 26 year old when I was 18/19 which isn't that shocking.
3. I stopped counting deliberately. I wasn't about to keep separate lists for different things and essentially it was just a number, used as shame or competition with no positive uses.
4. Bit dark I'm afraid, but I was mentally ill and a victim of abuse which meant I was oversharing and acting out a bit. I don't regret it as such, but I accept that I was a twat at times and thankfully moved on.
5. This comment box is a bugger on a phone.


Innocent Loverboy said...

1. Could've sworn you said 13. Maybe my memory isn't as good as I think it is.

2. Not too much, though. It probably would be if you lived around here, though - particularly in my school, where partners of different ages (whatever gender) wasn't really a Done Thing. Girl-I-had-a-crush-on is two years younger than me, and I got called Bad Things because of that.

3. Nothing wrong with that.

4. I actually quite liked you oversharing - if you're going to call it oversharing. As I said in the post, well, I've been doing this for over seven years and, if that isn't oversharing, I've no idea what is. Like it or not, the stuff you said to me was part of my growing sexual awareness (whether that was the intention or not!). I also liked the way you acted - some things made me panic a bit, but it was so unusual and alien to me and how I was brought up that I just couldn't turn away!

5. It really is. I've tried to comment on other blogs on my phone and it's difficult. Possible, but difficult. I've just noticed that there's a new CAPTCHA here which is a tick box, rather than a word verification. That's bizarre; since I'm logged in, I shouldn't need to do a CAPTCHA.

Oh, yes. And I hope you don't mind me mentioning the number of children you have. It's not like that's much of an indication of who you are, really, is it?