Tuesday, 16 December 2014

Shame

"So what are your main interests?" asks my new job advisor. My parents ask the same question later on, as preparation for tomorrow's job interview. Exactly the same question was asked at yesterday's interview. It's almost as if people genuinely want to know.

"Well, I write my blog a lot," I say. "My last few posts were about masturbation, fancying a fairy, unwanted erections, porn, overheard sex and penis size. Oh, and I'm writing a program which chooses from a list of sexual acts for you, in case you're not sure what you want to do to elicit orgasm this evening."

Only I don't say that.

I say I'm interested in sex education and that I once taught a session on sex from a Christian perspective. But I don't say that I attend an annual conference with many more sex-related sessions, even if they are all above board, because there's an overhanging feeling that they don't want to know.

I say that I know how to use the web, but I don't say that I spend about half my time online browsing sex blogs and sex websites because I like all the perspectives of sexuality. Sometimes I masturbate to the things people say - sometimes I use my imagination. I say I know how to use e-mail, but I don't say who I e-mail; I say I know about web design, but I don't mention that all my websites look like something from the 80s and that most of my content goes into my sex blog.

I say I'm politically active, but I don't say that I campaign staunchly against restrictions of sexual material (cf. the recent ATVOD fiasco) and am proud to have friends who make pornography for a living. I don't mention that my girlfriend writes erotic fiction and that I always proofread and edit her stuff.

In fact, I don't mention sex at all.

I throw out some random stuff about literature and films and music. Stuff I love and couldn't live without, sure, but there's nothing very unique there. It feels strange to wax lyrical about myself and not mention anything that stems from my life as ILB. But I know that employers don't want to hear. People who have sex are sick. They are predatory. They are unscrupulous. They are eeeeeevil.

Sex shouldn't be shameful. Not now. Not in 2014.

But it is.

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