Wednesday, 3 December 2014

Coalition-approved list of porn restrictions:

The following sexual activities will be deemed either acceptable or unacceptable at R18 classification level.

Squirting
Squirting during masturbatory journalism - known as the "Femail Orgasm" - is acceptable if uninformed, intolerant and not delicately researched or taking popular opinion into account. It is also acceptable to infer that this is lapped up by many, even if the moral outrage contained within is simulated.
Swallowing male semen is acceptable because this is the new Coalition policy on how to control the population explosion.

Fisting
Medical guidance on fisting leads Ofcom to not believe it's dangerous to perform. However, the CPS’ guidelines specifically cite fisting as obscene, mostly because they saw Quentin Crisp make a joke about it once and therefore assume that it's always a gay thing. One representative summed it up as: "eww."

Enemas
Enemas are acceptable if once they are squirted out they contain faeces which hit the general populace, colloquially known as "shitting on the country".

Vomiting
Vomiting may be acceptable if it isn't performed as part of a sexual act. Why one would put vomiting in porn if it isn't for sexual purposes is not specified.

Public Sex
Should the content feature nudity or anything else at all which might outrage taste and public decency, then clearly it is not acceptable, whatever it is. Exceptions to this rule include George Osborne's cold, dead eyes, Michael Gove's education cuts and anything to do with ATVOD.

Wrestling
Wrestling is acceptable, but only if knock-out moves are not used or if it's a peaceful protester being wrestled to the ground.

Face-sitting
Face-sitting without any breathing restriction is acceptable, but the airways must always remain open, so any amount of breathing restriction is not allowed. The rationale for this inflexible rule is that men trying this at home might die. Of course it's never, ever performed on anyone of any other gender, so let's not let men die, shall we?

Trampling
This will depend on the opinion for which the person is being trampled upon. If it is an opinion promoting less restrictions on porn, it is perfectly acceptable.

Bondage and Restraint
There needs to be an obvious way for the person in bondage to signal to stop. Hence it is acceptable if not all four limbs are tied. Putting an octopus in bondage to circumvent the "four limbs" rule is also not allowed, because octopi can't speak human language and probably don't know the safeword.

Weapons
If a weapon is used to threaten a participant into perceived non-consensual activity, then it is not acceptable. If it's believable, then this dangerous activity known as "acting" must be involved and stopped at all costs.

Power Tools
The use of power tools is unacceptable, since there is a need to disassociate power tools with violence. It's not like that's ever happened in mainstream cinema or anything.

Gagging
Is likely to be acceptable as long as freedom of expression is what's being gagged.

[With apologies and sincere thanks to Myles Jackman for putting up what are, sadly, the actual restrictions.]

1 comment:

Pandora said...

Bravo! Grinning throughout most of this, laughed out loud at the "trampling" item :D