Sunday, 21 September 2014


"We need to think of a name for our team."
"FRIENDS?" I suggested. "Not because of the TV show, but because we're friends?"
"Naw, that sounds lame. I hate you."
"Nice. Mature. Okay, you suggest one then."
"How about KILL 'EM ALL?"
"Like the Metallica album?"
"Okay, go ahead."

Lightsinthesky typed KILLEMALL carefully into the box.

"Now we need four names."
Lightsinthesky typed three variations of his name into the first three spaces. He looked at me.
"You can control these two," he said, indicating two, "and I'll control this other one, and..."
"...the last one, who I'll call..."
"Why don't you go all out?" I suggested, one eyebrow raised. "You can throw in some adjectives to indicate how you feel about Emma. Fit, sexy, fun, that sort of thing...?"

"Yeah!" he ejaculated. "Great idea!" And he slowly tapped FIT CHICK EMMA S into the remaining slot. I could practically hear his brain whirring as he quickly held backspace to clear the letters, then replaced it with SEXY CHICK EMMA. "Perfect," he explained, before following it up with, "hey, we can pretend she's my fiancée, right? Because..." (he lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper) "...a fiancée's better to make love to."

I wasn't going to question how, at the age of twelve, Lightsinthesky had come across this vital piece of information. Mind you, this is the guy who ended up becoming a bassist in a band specifically to seduce young girls. He's the one who ended up drinking absinthe and having an orgy one New Year's party, because his brother suggested it for a laugh. He's also the guy who starting going out with a girl who looked a bit like a Magikarp, because he thought he had more of a chance with her.


I had turned thirteen a month or so ago, and now that I was in my teens, Lightsinthesky had decided that it was his life's mission to find me a girlfriend. In fact, I already had a crush on someone, but since he appeared to have a crush on the same person and she had had a crush on me the previous year, I deemed it prudent not to mention any of that, since it was far too complicated. Coming up blank with names for girls in the school whom he had no designs on himself (and discounting Einstein et al. as potential matches), he came up with Emma, someone of whom I had no knowledge.

Whom he later decided (about a week later) he wanted for himself anyway. Not that she reciprocated, really; she ended up with my bully-turned-ally three years later, upon which he gave up the chase. (Or said he did. He then took up the bass.)

And so she ended up as our fourth Worm. Not that it made a difference - she could have been named anything, that's how the game works - but Lightsinthesky was absolutely adamant that she was the fiancée - not wife, not girlfriend but the one that's best to make love to because apparently you automatically know that at twelve - of the Worm named after him.

"Lightsinthesky," I asked halfway through the game, "if SEXY CHICK EMMA is the fiancée of your own Worm, which one, seeing as all the other Worms in the team are named after you?"
There was a pause.
"God, I love her," he replied.

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