Tuesday, 9 September 2014


My mother is trying to "help" me look for jobs at the moment, as my current job isn't doing very well at the usual "paying me any wages" lark, but her method of bustling in with her iPad and shoving something vague under my nose isn't too effective. Part of me thinks she's genuinely trying to help, but most of me assumes she's just showing off her iPad.

She's also been giving me vague jobseeking advice, as if I've never done it before. One of the things she said today was, "get yourself out there."

I don't know either.

Assuming this refers to direct contact outside, as opposed to behind a screen like most people tend to do, I've no idea if that's the way to go. With anything, rather than jobs. Even with... well, you can see where I'm going with this...

A number of times I've seen those "horny slutty naughty dirty girl" types on Twitter - the ones that probably don't exist - claiming to have had sex in the past three minutes with a guy randomly plucked off the street, who - as it turns out - happens to be an ex-lumberjack who's turned his hand to being a marine, firefighter, policeman, professional bodybuilder and The Rock. Forgive my touch of cynicism, but I'm doubting the veracity of all these claims (although I'm pretty sure it may be easier for a girl to push for sex in this manner...).

Easier to believe (although I've never actually seen it happen) is the idea of picking someone up in a bar, club or pub - although all three seem too loud, in my opinion, to flirt with anyone without having to shout in their ear. I don't know about you, but yelling "I LIKE YOUR HAIR!" into somebody's ear may lead to a restraining order rather than rampant sex. In any case, this - I believe - is "getting yourself out there".

The young raver told us a story recently where a random bloke in a park came up to him with an iPhone. If it were me, I'd assume he'd have found me a job to apply for, but instead, he asked the young raver to list the colour of three little boxes at the bottom of the screen.
"Red, yellow and blue," the young raver nervously reeled off, painfully aware that this bloke had his hand on his thigh.
"And what's the colour in between the boxes?"
"Erm... a sort of off-white..." squeaked the young raver.
"Okay, thanks!" said the man, and ran off.

Amusing though this may be, it got a few of us thinking (and laughing). Perhaps this is a version of "getting yourself out there". After a little bit of searching, I'm fairly convinced that this was an iVersion of the Hanky Code, and indeed there is even an app, which may well be what this guy in the park was using - assuming, perhaps, that our young raver friend, as he has a quiff and had just been doing yoga, is gay. He isn't.

I relayed this story to H at her house, at which point she reminded me of Grindr, which - one may assume - is a slightly safer way to look for gay hookups. But then, I reminded myself, despite its geosocial aspect, using a dating app doesn't really constitute "getting yourself out there" in the traditional sense. I've never done either, really.

But I do suppose that using colours on an iPhone to hit on the young raver in the park was just the kind of direct approach that my mother thinks I need to get involved with. So do please excuse me while I go for a jog, and if I stop you and show you some colours on my 'phone, kindly offer me a job. That is obviously what I'm searching for.

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