Sunday, 10 August 2014

Soft Porn Sunday Special: The one and only, genuine, original, sexual Emmanuelle!

Something that irritates me about a lot of geeky media - and I suspect I'm not alone here - is the fact that a lot of continuity errors tend to crop up every now and again, and need to be fixed - which is usually done quite poorly. DC's recent "New 52" imprint (something I dislike intensely) is an attempt to refresh everything established throughout decades of comic history, something they felt they needed to do in order to avoid using another bucketload of retcons.

This isn't often a problem with soft porn as the characters are barely ever carried over from one film to
Allie Haze is two years younger than me!
another (sneakily allowing the studios to use the same actors for a multitude of characters) and there's basically no need for any continuity - with the exception of sequels, and even those don't often have the same characters. Mirror Images and Mirror Images II are completely different, and I've no idea about the Indecent Behaviour series!


In any case, an exception is Emmanuelle, who at times has been played by Sylvia Kristel, Laura Gemser, Natasja Vermeer, Krista Allen, Holly Sampson, Julie Lee, Marcela Walerstein and Mia Nygren... and I'm sure there are others. With the exception of her possibly being a Time Lord, the massive discrepancies in her hair colour, ethnicity, nationality, voice and age make the whole thing impossible to ignore like one can with James Bond. Sexy, maybe, but not great for the OCD viewer - and almost forcing one to choose which Emmanuelle is the real one.

On Friday evening I watched Emmanuelle in Rio, an absolute travesty from 2003 starring Ludmilla Ferraz as a version of the title character with no redeeming features whatsoever, and - irritated by this - did a bit of searching to see if there was a better version of Emmanuelle made more recently. There is, it seems, despite my previous claim that there isn't much soft porn being produced nowadays, a relatively recent series from 2012 named Emmanuelle Through Time...

...no, seriously, that's what it's called...

...and so I watched the first one in that series: Emmanuelle's Skin City. I know, stay with me here, it gets better, honest.

The framing device set-up for this series is a little confused before it even gets going. Emmanuelle - this time played
Emmanuelle's double-breasted CGI blimp. I want one too.
by Brittany Joy, aka porn star Allie Haze - is given a massive double-breasted blimp (which looks like boobs from the front: very subtle, movie) by a lover for her birthday. Enterprising girl that she is, Emmanuelle then hires a crew of friends to film a webseries from the blimp - a host, an actress, some camera blokes, an editor who looks like Ron Jeremy's stunt double and a general director dogsbody type girl - which she then broadcasts online.


EMMANUELLE FOR THE YOUTUBE GENERATION! REJOICE!

What I wasn't expecting - and this is what threw me off entirely - was the massive plot twist that comes halfway through the film: a team of random scientists kidnap Emmanuelle when her blimp lands in Las Vegas and use her sexual energy to power up their massive and untested MacGuffin, which somehow transports her to an alternate Las Vegas in a universe where Emmanuelle is a massive star. As she wanders, dazed, through streets bearing her name in lights and advertising products with her name on, all the previous Emmanuelles are referenced, to the point of including a montage of shower sex from previous films and the Emmanuelle in Space theme song playing in the background.

Emmanuelle references in an Emmanuelle film! Trippy!
 
This effectively renders all previous versions of Emmanuelle fictitious - the actresses playing her in the past are even named at certain points - and, therefore, they're not canon. By the end of the film, Emmanuelle returns to the real world (where these films were never made) and we are safe in the knowledge that there's only one Emmanuelle after all.

It's insane. It's ridiculous. It's stupid. But it's actually a really clever way to deal with the problem - although there is some slight ethical question in erasing all previous Emmanuelles from continuity, of course - and a nice bit of fanservice, giving a cheeky nod to the viewers and those nostalgic for the earlier erotic adventures of our heroine.

Which is why I haven't done a scene review today. Trying to work out what was going on during Emmanuelle's Skin City was so mind-bendingly meta-self-referential-self-parody-retcon-squared left
This idiot hosts Emmanuelle's webseries. It hurts.
me unable to concentrate on the sex scenes in favour of trying to screencap all the in-jokes and references I could find. As the story draws to a close, the US government "helpfully" installs the machine on her blimp, allowing her to continue making and broadcasting her webseries in the real world, but spending her free time hopping between alternate dimensions รก la Sliders.


It's not the worst of ideas for a series, I suppose - and they've done everything else: incest, rape, abuse, plastic surgery, travel, vampires, psychics, magic, aliens, Paul Michael Robinson. Dimensional transport is just the next step, surely?

So I suppose I'll just have to watch the other six. Taking one for the team, I know. But I'll be safe in
Lulz.
the knowledge that I now know who the real Emmanuelle is. And as for me, well, ILB is a non-multidimensional variable. I mean, what would you do with two of me?


Don't answer that.

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